If you’re new to nervous system regulation, I want you to know two things:
First, it doesn’t have to be complicated or take forever to learn.
Second, there are definitely some things I would urge you to avoid.
Nervous system regulation can be incredible. It can help you feel more supported in your body, respond to stress more effectively, and navigate hard moments with more clarity and choice. But it can also be very easy to develop habits or expectations that make the process harder than it needs to be.
That’s especially true if you’re trying to piece it together from short videos, social media tips, or tools that worked well for someone else.
If you’ve been curious about nervous system regulation, or you’ve tried it and felt discouraged, this article will help you avoid some very common mistakes and give you more effective and impactful ways to learn how to regulate your nervous system.
How nervous system regulation applies to self-confidence
Because I’m a life coach who focuses on self-confidence, I want to make one connection clear right from the start.
It’s really hard to feel self-confident when your nervous system is dysregulated.
When your nervous system is headed toward fight/flight or freeze modes (or already there), it gets harder to access the “thinking” part of your brain – the part that helps you access self-confidence in the moment.
When you can regulate your nervous system, you can bring that “thinking” part of your brain back online. That’s the part of your brain that helps you build self-confidence. Otherwise, you’re more or less living at the mercy of whatever state your nervous system happens to be in. If you’d like to learn more about how nervous system regulation impacts self-confidence, check out this article.
With that in mind, here are five mistakes to avoid when you’re learning nervous system regulation.
1. Copying and pasting what works for someone else
Nervous system regulation has become a buzzword lately. Lots of people are hearing about nervous system regulation tools through videos, articles, podcasts, and word of mouth. You might hear someone say that a certain technique helped them calm down or come out of shutdown mode, and it’s natural to want to try that same thing for yourself.
This can become a problem because what works for one person’s nervous system might not work well for someone else’s.
Nervous system regulation is personal. Regulation tools don’t always have the same impact on every person. If you try something that seems to work wonders for someone else and it doesn’t help you at all, it can be easy to assume that you’re doing it wrong or that nervous system regulation is just not for you.
That’s a pretty tragic mistake, because it can cause you to give up too soon and miss out on all the benefits of a well-regulated nervous system.
What to do instead
Instead of trying to copy and paste what works for someone else, build your own nervous system regulation toolkit. Find exercises and techniques that work for you and your body.
If a tool doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean nervous system regulation can’t work for you at all. It may simply mean that particular tool is not a good fit for you. That’s okay, because there are TONS of nervous system regulation tools out there to try!
2. Not giving tools enough time and repetitions to work
Unfortunately, I see a lot of people making this mistake.
They find a tool they want to try, give it a very brief chance, and then give up on it. They might do one or two rounds of box breathing, or try a grounding exercise for thirty seconds. When they don’t immediately feel a dramatic difference, they decide the tool didn’t work.
When you try a tool, it’s important to give it enough time to actually work before you decide whether it works for you or not.
Maybe three rounds of box breathing does nothing for you, but ten or twelve rounds is exactly what your nervous system needs. Or maybe box breathing really isn’t for you, which is also fine. However, you don’t really know either way until you’ve given the tool enough time and repetitions to have a fair shot.
Why time and reps are important
Your nervous system usually needs time to shift out of fight/flight or freeze modes and back toward what’s called your window of tolerance. One breath, one attempt, or one quick round of a tool may not be enough to move you very far. That’s especially true if your nervous system is already pretty activated, because it takes time for your brain and nervous system to respond to those inputs.
It’s kind of like declaring that aspirin doesn’t work because your headache didn’t go away as soon as you swallowed the pill.
What to do instead
Instead, when you try a tool, give your nervous system the time and space it needs to respond to that input. That might mean doing 10 to 15 rounds of box breathing instead of three to five. Maybe it could look like repeating a grounding exercise more than once. Or maybe it’s intentionally slowing down instead of rushing through the tool so you can get it over with.
It can also mean trying the same tool on more than one occasion and under different circumstances before deciding whether it works for you or not.
3. Expecting instant results
This one is fairly common, and in a way, it kind of makes sense.
Some people approach nervous system regulation with the expectation that if they just find the right tool, they should feel better almost immediately. That expectation totally fits (and is probably partially a product of) the instant-gratification expectations that are so prevalent in much of our society today.
When you expect instant results from nervous system regulation, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you expect to feel dramatically different right away and that doesn’t happen (it probably won’t), you might think there’s something wrong with you, or that nervous system regulation just doesn’t work for you. In reality, none of that is probably true… it might be that your expectations need to be adjusted.
Nervous system regulation is a skillset, a practice that you build continuously over time. You create lasting change created through thousands of tiny decisions to practice regulating.
It’s kind of like going to the gym once and expecting to have amazing muscles and be in shape for the rest of your life – it just doesn’t work that way. Just like any other part of your body, your nervous system needs time, effort, and consistency for meaningful, lasting changes to happen.
What to do instead
Instead of expecting instant results, be patient with the process and look for signs of progress.
You might notice that when your nervous system is heading toward activation, you’re catching it earlier than you used to. Or maybe you’re able to move back toward your window of tolerance more quickly and easily than you did in the past. You might realize that you get less activated than you used to during challenging moments.
Give yourself (and your nervous system) credit for those little, incremental shifts. Like any other aspect of your health, nervous system wellness is achieved gradually over time.
4. Only practicing nervous system regulation when you’re already activated
This mistake can seem logical on the surface, but it actually makes nervous system regulation significantly harder to learn.
Some people only think to work on regulation when they’re already in fight/flight or freeze modes. The problem is, when your nervous system is activated, it can be super difficult to learn and apply a new skill because you don’t have much access to the “thinking” part of your brain.
That doesn’t mean that regulation tools can’t still be helpful in those moments. However, if you only reach for nervous system regulation tools when your nervous system is already sounding the alarm, you’re asking yourself to learn the skills in the most difficult conditions possible. It’s kind of like trying to learn to swim in the deep end of the pool while it’s raining.
What to do instead
Instead, practice nervous system regulation when you feel good, too. Doing so helps you familiarize yourself with different tools before you need them for in-the-moment relief. It also helps you learn the skills in a time and place where you feel safe and comfortable. That way, those skills can become your go-to when you don’t have much access to the thinking part of your brain.
It’s also a good idea to start reaching for those tools earlier, when you first notice that you’re getting amped up or starting to shut down, rather than waiting until you’re squarely in fight/flight or freeze modes.
5. Ignoring how your lifestyle and environment impact your nervous system
This final mistake is a big one because it can cause you to miss opportunities to support your nervous system in ways that in-the-moment tools can’t touch.
When people think about nervous system regulation, they often forget (or simply don’t know) to consider how their day-to-day environment and lifestyle impact their nervous system.
If you’re living with factors like:
- a packed schedule
- poor sleep
- eating and/or drinking in ways that don’t support your body
- being chronically over- or under-stimulated
…your nervous system may be under more strain than you realize. In that kind of circumstance, even the best regulation tools can have a limited impact. That’s because lifestyle and environmental factors are creating a higher baseline of dysregulation.
This can limit the impact of regulation tools, which can lead to frustration. If someone is doing a little bit of nervous system regulation here and there while ignoring the lifestyle patterns that may be making regulation much harder to achieve in the first place, they’re going to see limited results.
What to do instead
Instead, be honest with yourself about how your lifestyle might be affecting your nervous system.
Look at things like:
- your bedtime process
- how much sleep you’re getting
- what you’re eating and drinking
- commitments
- clutter
- lighting
- noise
- routines (or lack thereof)
- how much margin you have between meetings and other responsibilities throughout your day
Then, make one small change at a time.
For example, if you know you’re not getting enough sleep, try going to bed five minutes earlier each week. It’s a small change, but over time, it adds up.
Regulation tools are important, but the environment and lifestyle you’re immersed in also have a tremendous impact on your nervous system.
Quick recap: 5 mistakes to avoid when you’re learning nervous system regulation
Learning to regulate, heal, and support your nervous system can be life-changing. To make the process smoother, easier, and more attainable, avoid these five mistakes:
- Don’t copy and paste what works for someone else.
- Don’t give up on tools too quickly.
- Don’t expect instant results.
- Don’t wait until you’re already activated to practice regulating.
- Don’t ignore the bigger picture of your lifestyle and environment and how they impact your nervous system.
Ready to go deeper?
If regulating your nervous system and building self-confidence are on your to-do list, know this: It’s faster, easier, and more fun with expert guidance and support. If that sounds up your alley, schedule a free coaching consultation to learn how I can help you achieve your goals.
