If you’re smart, capable, and accomplished on paper, you’d think that feeling self-confident would be easy by now.
You’ve:
- Earned degrees
- Led projects
- Navigated difficult seasons and made it through to the other side.
Logically, you know you “should” feel confident.
And yet, you…
- Second-guess yourself before speaking up.
- Overprepare for everything and still feel like an impostor.
- Replay conversations and presentations in your mind, critiquing practically every word.
If that’s you, there’s nothing “wrong” with you. What’s usually going on underneath is this:
Your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough for you to experience the confidence you know logically you’ve already earned. Plus, “confidence” probably isn’t really the missing piece.
Let’s talk about why.
Confident vs. Self-Confident: Why the Difference Matters
Most people use “confidence” and “self-confidence” interchangeably. However, they’re not the same thing.
- Confidence is based on evidence from your past.
“I’ve done this before, I know how to do it, so I know I can do it again.”
- Self-confidence is based on self-trust.
“Even if this is new or uncertain, I trust myself to navigate it and take care of myself the best I can.”
You can have a long list of accomplishments (confidence) and still feel shaky inside if you don’t trust yourself to handle whatever happens next (self-confidence).
Here’s where your nervous system comes in:
When your body is stuck in a chronic stress response, it doesn’t care about your résumé. It cares about one thing: Am I safe right now?
If the answer feels like “no” to your subconscious and your nervous system, self-trust (and therefore self-confidence) becomes much harder to access.
What Is Nervous System Dysregulation? (In Plain Language)
For this article, we’ll define nervous system dysregulation this way:
Nervous system dysregulation is an imbalance where the body’s stress-response system operates predominantly in a high-alert (hyperarousal) or shut-down (hypoarousal) state, often due to chronic stress or trauma.
In real life, that can look like:
- Being “on” all the time and struggling to relax
- Constantly overthinking what you said or did
- Feeling jumpy, tense, or easily overwhelmed
- Overfunctioning – taking on excessive responsibilities
- Or on the other side, feeling flat, numb, checked out, disconnected, or unmotivated
Nervous system dysregulation isn’t a character flaw. It’s your system doing exactly what it has learned to do to keep you safe… especially if you’ve experienced chronic stress, burnout, or trauma.
The problem?
A chronically dysregulated nervous system can cause self-confidence to feel fragile, no matter how capable you actually are.
Meet Your Inner Security Guard
One way I talk about this with clients is through the Security Guard metaphor.
Imagine that part of your nervous system is like a Security Guard whose job is to protect you.
- When things are going well, your Security Guard is calm but attentive. She scans the room, notices what’s happening, and steps in when truly needed.
- When you’ve been under a lot of stress, dealt with painful experiences in the past, or operate under a self-doubting mindset, your Security Guard can become overprotective. She starts sounding the alarm more often and more loudly – even in situations where you aren’t actually in danger.
A dysregulated nervous system is like having a Security Guard who either:
- Overreacts to every possible risk (hyperarousal), or
- Shuts everything down to keep you from getting hurt (hypoarousal).
Either way, she’s doing her best to protect you. However, her behavior has consequences for your self-confidence.
Why Thought Work Feels Like It “Doesn’t Stick” When You’re Dysregulated
If you’ve read self-help books, taken courses, or tried to “work on your mindset,” in an effort to feel more self-confident, you might have had this experience:
You understand the concepts.
You can repeat the affirmations.
Maybe you can even explain exactly why your negative thoughts aren’t true.
And yet when it really matters… before the presentation, after the difficult meeting, at night when you’re replaying the day… you don’t feel any more confident. You actually experience a ton of self-doubt.
For a lot of my clients, this is the pattern:
When their nervous system is dysregulated, traditional “thought work” often doesn’t stick.
That’s not because they’re doing it wrong. It’s because they’re trying to change their story while their Security Guard is still convinced they’re in danger.
When your system is in a state of high alert or shut-down:
- Your body is preparing to protect you, not to help you think clearly.
- Your attention locks onto potential threats (“What if I mess this up?” “What if they judge me?”).
- Positive or balanced thoughts can feel fake, forced, or out of reach.
You can’t “positive think” your way past a Security Guard who is actively pulling the fire alarm.
Two Common Scenarios Where This Shows Up
Let’s bring this down to earth with a couple of familiar examples.
1. The Over-Preparer Who Still Feels Like an Impostor
You have a big meeting, presentation, or conversation coming up.
So you:
- Triple-check your slides or notes
- Try to anticipate every question
- Practically memorize what you want to say
On paper, you’re ready.
But inside?
- You feel like you’re one tough question away from being “found out.”
- Your heart races before you speak.
- You walk away thinking, “I probably sounded ridiculous,” even though everyone else seems satisfied.
This isn’t a lack of skill. It’s a nervous system that has learned:
“Visibility is risky. Being wrong is dangerous. We need to be perfect or we’re not safe.”
Your Security Guard is working overtime, scanning for anything that could go wrong and pushing you to overprepare to stay safe. No amount of “I’m qualified” self-talk fully lands while your body is still bracing for impact. You don’t feel self-confident. Instead, you feel a ton of self-doubt.
2. The Presenter Who Relives Every “Flaw” Afterward
You give a presentation, lead a meeting, or share an idea in a group.
Objectively, it goes fine… maybe it even goes great.
But afterward, your mind starts replaying the whole thing:
- “Why did I say it like that?”
- “I sounded so unsure.”
- “I forgot that one point; now they’re going to think I’m not competent.”
You’re stuck in a loop of self-criticism, analyzing every micro-moment.
From the outside, it looks like rumination or perfectionism.
On the inside, however, it’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
Your Security Guard is reviewing the “tape” looking for anything she thinks could be used against you in the future. She thinks that if she can spot the “mistakes” now, maybe she can prevent pain later.
As I have said, thought work alone—telling yourself, “It was fine, everyone messes up,”—often doesn’t fully land if your body still feels like something dangerous just happened.
Three Myths That Keep You Stuck
Let’s name a few common myths that make this even more frustrating.
Myth 1: “If I just thought more positively, I’d feel confident.”
Mindset tools are powerful (and I use them with my clients all the time), but they’re only part of the picture.
If your Security Guard is in full alarm mode, trying to think better thoughts is like trying to reason with someone who’s sure the building is on fire. You need to help them calm down first, then have the conversation.
Similarly, your nervous system needs to feel safe before you’ll be able to feel self-confident.
Myth 2: “If I were stronger, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
Feeling on edge, overwhelmed, or shut down is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it’s a sign that your system has been carrying a lot, often for a long time.
Chronic stress and trauma (including “everyday” or cumulative stress, not just big, obvious events) can train your nervous system to be significantly more protective than it needs to be in everyday situations.
You’re not broken for feeling this way. Rather, you’re adapted.
Myth 3: “Nervous system work is only for people with ‘big’ trauma.”
You don’t need a specific label or diagnosis to benefit from nervous system regulation.
If you:
- Live with constant, self-imposed pressure to perform,
- Rarely feel truly rested,
- Feel like you’re always bracing for something,
your system deserves care and support, regardless of what “category” it fits into.
So… What Can You Do To Feel More Self-Confident?
Here’s the part I want you to really hear:
If your nervous system is dysregulated, it makes complete sense that self-confidence feels hard, no matter how accomplished you are.
You’re not broken. You don’t need to try harder. For sure, you don’t need to bully yourself into “just being more confident.”
What you need is an approach that encompasses both:
- Your thoughts, beliefs, and stories about yourself
- The current state of your nervous system and your inner Security Guard
That’s why, in my coaching work, we don’t just talk about mindset in isolation.
We look at:
- How your body responds in stressful or vulnerable situations
- What your Security Guard has learned to protect you from, and how it impacts your life today
- How to support your system so you can access self-confidence more consistently
I have other articles and videos that go deeper into these pieces, including:
- A practical overview of the Security Guard and my Regulate, Reassure, Respond process that details how to work with your system instead of against it
- An explanation of my 3P Self-Confidence Method (Perception, Potential, Perspective) and how it builds self-confidence as a skill
- A deeper dive on the difference between confidence and self-confidence
As you work to build self-confidence, it’s important to understand the bigger picture:
Self-confidence isn’t only a mindset issue. It’s also deeply connected to how safe your nervous system feels.
When you start to work with your body and your mind together, self-confidence becomes much more accessible and sustainable.
When You’re Ready for Support: The Self-Confidence Edit
If you’re reading this thinking, “This is me… on paper I should feel confident, but inside it feels shaky and exhausting,” you don’t have to figure this out alone.
In The Self-Confidence Edit, my 12-week one-on-one coaching program, we blend mindset work and nervous system awareness so you can:
- Understand why your Security Guard reacts the way she does
- Learn how to support and regulate your nervous system in ways that fit your real life
- Rework the beliefs and patterns that keep you overpreparing, overthinking, and second-guessing
- Build genuine self-confidence—the kind rooted in self-trust, not perfection
We’ll work together to help you:
- Soothe and retrain your Security Guard so she feels more safe more often
- Start relating to yourself with more compassion and kindness
- Show up to opportunities without needing to be perfect to feel safe
If you’d like to explore whether The Self-Confidence Edit is a good fit for you, I’d love to talk.
👉 You can book a free consultation here.
During your consultation, we’ll look at what’s going on for you, what you’ve already tried, and what kind of support would make the biggest difference… whether that’s coaching with me or another next step.
You’ve already proven you’re capable.
Now it’s time to feel that way on the inside, too.