You’re smart and capable, but you still find yourself seeking reassurance before you make decisions, even minor ones.

Maybe you call it being responsible, getting input, or “just making sure.” The thing is, asking for perspective and input can be wise.

The issue isn’t asking once or a handful of times. The issue is when you keep asking for reassurance because you’re searching for certainty to soothe your self-doubt around making a decision and running with it.

Here’s what that moment usually looks like.

You feel unsure. Your brain wants to be sure. Reassurance helps you feel more sure in the moment, but it reinforces a pattern that doesn’t serve you in the long run.

I call that pattern the reassurance trap.

What the reassurance trap actually is

The reassurance trap pops up when you default to looking for validation from others to soothe your fears and uncertainty, instead of trusting your own decision-making.

It can sound subtle at first. You ask someone what they think. You listen. And then you ask again, often a few hours, days, or weeks later.

Or, you ask multiple people the same question because you’re not getting the answer you want or you just want to get “one more opinion to be sure.” Or maybe you keep explaining your reasoning until you hear the specific response that helps you feel settled.

Getting input supports your decision. Relying on reassurance replaces your self-trust.

When you’re seeking input, you can still make a decision without someone agreeing with you. When you’re stuck in the reassurance trap, you don’t feel like you can.

Why you do it, even when you know better

It can be easy to judge yourself for this. Please remember that it’s a common pattern, and if you recognize yourself in it, practice some self-compassion.

When you tend to seek out reassurance, your brain isn’t trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to protect you.

When you default to reassurance, it’s usually because there’s a real need underneath it. Identify the real need beneath the reassurance you tend to seek, and you’ll understand why the pattern feels so compelling.

Most of the time, you’re trying to secure certainty when self-trust feels far away. You’re trying to avoid regret, judgment, rejection, embarrassment, or being wrong. Your brain treats uncertainty like a problem that needs to be solved, not a normal part of being human.

This is also where your Security Guard tends to show up. In those moments, your Security Guard wants to hand the steering wheel to someone else because it feels safer than being responsible for the outcome. If someone else validates your decision, it can feel like the risk has been reduced.

The catch is that reassurance rarely reduces the risk your nervous system is reacting to. It only reduces the discomfort for a moment, and that’s why you often feel the urge to ask again.

What it costs you over time

Reassurance-seeking often looks responsible on the surface. Underneath, it can get expensive.

Over time, it:

• Trains your brain to trust other people more than you trust yourself.
• Makes decisions feel heavier than they need to be.
• Reinforces the belief that there’s a single “correct” choice and your job is to find it.

It also creates a quiet kind of dependence on other people… not because you’re weak, but because your brain learns, “I can’t move forward until someone else says it’s okay.”

That’s not the relationship with yourself you actually want.

You don’t want to live like you need permission to feel secure.

The shift that gets you out of the trap

The goal isn’t to force certainty. That’s impossible, anyway!

Instead, the goal is to build self-confidence and self-trust, so you can move forward even when you can’t guarantee the outcome.

When you build self-confidence and self-trust, you stop treating uncertainty like an emergency. You stop needing someone else to approve your decisions for you. You start making choices from your values and your judgment, instead of from fear and the need to be sure.

Self-confidence and self-trust are foundational to shifting how you show up in the world, how you make decisions, and how you respond to whatever comes your way. They’re skills you can build.

The Either Way Approach (I teach this to my clients)

One of the ways you build self-confidence and self-trust is by strengthening your capacity to take care of yourself no matter what happens. That’s exactly what The Either Way Approach is for.

The Either Way Approach helps you build and flex your capacity to take care of yourself and navigate whatever comes up, no matter what the outcome is, so you start relying on self-trust, not external reassurance.

Before you use it, a few guardrails matter, especially if you tend to overthink.

• The goal isn’t to run every possible scenario or predict the outcome.
• Instead, the goal is to use and build your capacity to show up and respond with intention, regardless of the circumstances. You’re teaching your brain that you can take care of yourself either way.
• Keep your answers short. Two sentences max.

Here’s the Either Way Approach. It’s simple. You ask yourself two questions:

1. If this doesn’t turn out the way I want, how can I respond in a way that helps me take care of myself and be okay in the end?
2. If this does turn out the way I want, how can I respond in a way that helps me takes care of myself and be okay in the end?

Either way, choose to believe that you can navigate whatever comes up.

Three real-life examples of the reassurance trap (and how to sidestep it with the Either Way Approach)

Sometimes it’s easier to see the pattern when it’s attached to real situations. Here are three common places reassurance-chasing shows up, and how the Either Way Approach can help you move beyond it.

Example 1: A career decision

You’re deciding whether to apply, or accept, or negotiate (whatever the case may be), and you keep asking people what you “should” do because you want to feel sure before you make a move, and trusting your own judgment isn’t coming easily.

You might be asking friends, family members, or co-workers. Maybe you’re reading threads and articles online and hoping you’ll find a clear answer that makes your decision feel settled.

The decision itself isn’t the whole issue. The deeper issue is that uncertainty feels unsafe, and external reassurance feels like the fastest way to soothe the self-doubt.

Use The Either Way Approach:

• If this doesn’t turn out the way you want: You’ll regroup without attacking yourself. You’ll take what you learned and move forward from there.
• If this does turn out the way you want: You’ll follow through and let yourself be proud. You’ll keep listening to yourself instead of needing the next person to approve it.

You’re not trying to guarantee the perfect outcome. You’re strengthening your capacity to take care of yourself and navigate whatever comes up, which is what self-trust is actually built on.

Example 2: The conversation replay

You and a friend have a conversation with someone you met at a fitness class. Later, your brain starts replaying pieces of the conversation.

You feel the urge to ask your friend, “Did I sound like a complete weirdo earlier?”

Your friend reassures you. She tells you that you were totally fine. And then, even after she reassures you, you feel the need to ask again, because your brain keeps revisiting it and you’re still not fully sure. You wonder if your friend is just being nice, and maybe you really did sound weird.

This is such a common reassurance loop. You’re not asking because you truly need data. You’re asking because you want certainty that you weren’t judged negatively.

Use The Either Way Approach:

For this scenario, you can use prompts that match what’s actually happening:

• If you’re happy with how the conversation went, how can you respond in a way that takes care of you and helps you be okay in the end?
• If your brain is telling you that you came off as weird during the conversation, how can you respond in a way that takes care of you and helps you be okay in the end?

Your responses might sound like this:

• If you’re happy with how the conversation went: You’ll move forward mentally and emotionally instead of reopening it for analysis.
• If your brain is telling you that you came off as weird: You’ll remind yourself you’re human, and sometimes humans have awkward moments, and it’s okay if you were a little off in how you showed up.

You’re not trying to show up perfectly in every conversation. Instead, you’re building self-confidence that you’ll be okay if you don’t.

Example 3: The paint color decision that takes months (and months)

You want to update the paint color in a room, but you keep asking people repeatedly what they think and avoid making a decision for months because you’re afraid you’ll choose the wrong color.

It’s normal to gather a few opinions from people you trust. The reassurance trap shows up when you keep asking because you don’t trust your own judgment, and you want someone else to remove the risk for you.

Use The Either Way Approach:

• If you like the color you choose: You’ll let yourself enjoy it and trust that you can make decisions without tons of input from others.
• If you don’t like the color you choose: You’ll remember that you have the power to change it. You’ll treat it like an experiment that gave you feedback, not a failure. Maybe you’ll even be proud of yourself for making a decision that got you data.

Reassurance-seeking often feels logical and prudent. When it goes on for months, it’s often an indicator that you don’t believe you can handle an adverse outcome, like making the “wrong” decision. In reality, you CAN handle it 99.9% of the time.

How to know when seeking input is healthy vs when you’re outsourcing your judgment

This is one of the most important distinctions you can learn, because it helps you catch the trap early.

Healthy input-seeking

• You can still make a decision without someone agreeing.
• You’re not asking the same question multiple times.
• Your goal is not to get rid of anxiety, but to gather perspectives.

Reassurance trap

• You feel unsettled until you hear the answer you want from someone else.
• You keep asking different people the same question (or the same people the same question).
• Your goal, deep down, is to feel certain so you don’t have to feel vulnerable.

When you’re in healthy input-seeking, you’re gathering information and you’re allowing yourself to be the decision-maker. When you’re in the reassurance trap, you’re trying to outsource relief from the discomfort of uncertainty – and you often end up trying to outsource the decision-making, too.

A grounded next step

Getting lots of reassurance can feel helpful in the moment, but it doesn’t build self-trust. If you want to shift this pattern, it helps to stop treating uncertainty like something you have to eliminate before you’re allowed to make a decision.

The Either Way Approach gives you a way to strengthen your capacity to take care of yourself and navigate whatever comes up, which is what your brain has been trying to secure all along.

Self-trust is one of the building blocks of lasting, sustainable self-confidence. It’s a skill you can build.

If you want help identifying your specific reassurance pattern and building self-trust in a way that fits your real life, I’d love to invite you to book a coaching consultation.