I’m guessing you’ve heard of trauma, and maybe you can even think of some examples. Have you heard of “little t” trauma, though? It’s something that affects tons of people, and many of them don’t even realize it.

If you’ve ever thought, “It wasn’t that bad, so why am I still affected?” you’re not alone.

A lot of smart, capable women try to ignore or minimize their past because they assume trauma only “counts” if it was dramatic, obvious, or life-altering. Then they feel confused when their nervous system reacts strongly in everyday situations, or when self-doubt, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or overthinking keep showing up.

By the end of this article, you’ll understand what “little t” trauma is, how it can shape your stress response and self-perception over time, and why it can impact both confidence and self-confidence. You’ll also learn how to start moving forward in a practical, skills-based way.

What is trauma? (APA definition)

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines trauma as:

“Any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning… Traumatic events include those caused by human behavior as well as by nature and often challenge an individual’s view of the world as a just, safe, and predictable place.”

Here’s what that means: Trauma doesn’t have to be “big” or “catastrophic” to have long-lasting negative effects. We’ll get more into that shortly.

Important nuances to keep in mind

Here are a few important clarifications before we dive into this topic:

• The idea here isn’t to self-diagnose trauma. This article is designed to help you understand what trauma is and how it can have lasting effects on how you think, feel, and function. As always, the information contained in this article is not mental health advice, and I’m not a mental health professional.
• You don’t have to decide whether your experience “qualifies” as trauma before you take its impact seriously.
• A more useful direction is to notice how a trauma response may be affecting your present-day life, then take steps to support yourself through it.

Big T trauma vs “little t” trauma

You’ll often hear people use the terms “big T trauma” and “little t” trauma. These terms aren’t a way of ranking people’s trauma to decide who deserves compassion and support. Instead, they’re categories that can help you understand the link between past experiences, patterns, and effects.

Big T trauma

Big T trauma includes the significant, often life-altering events many people think of first when they hear the word “trauma.” Examples include things like car accidents, natural disasters, physical attacks, and similar events.

“Little t” trauma

“Little t” trauma often involves recurring or ongoing stressors that aren’t immediately life-threatening, but that can affect your sense of safety and wellbeing over time. It can also impact your sense of self-worth, self-perception, and trust in yourself, others, and the world at large.

Examples can include:

• Bullying over a long period of time
• Harsh criticism from parents or other important figures
• Ongoing financial stress or instability
• Repeated experiences of being embarrassed, dismissed, or unsupported

If you’re tempted to compare your story to someone else’s and tell yourself that yours “isn’t that bad,” consider this:

Your nervous system doesn’t file experiences away based on how “big” they look from the outside. It learns based on what felt disturbingly threatening, confusing, overwhelming, or unpredictable in the moment.

How “little t” trauma can shape your stress response over time

Let’s talk about stress response, because this is where a lot of women get stuck.

Your stress response is your nervous system’s protective reaction when it believes it senses a dangerous threat. Fight, flight, and freeze modes are common ways that stress response can show up.

With “little t” trauma, the learning is often repetitive. Your system takes in patterns like:

• How safe it is to be visible
• How safe it is to make mistakes
• How likely criticism is
• Whether support is available
• Whether you have permission to need anything

Then your brain starts looking for “matches” in the present.

Here’s an important nuance that most people aren’t aware of:

Trauma response is a biologically correct response based on adaptation in response to past experiences, even though the response may not be applicable or even desirable in present day situations.

When your brain believes a present-day situation resembles a past threat, it can offer the same protective response again. That doesn’t mean that there’s something “wrong” with you. It means your nervous system learned something and built a pathway around it to protect you, and that protective pathway is still there today.

How “little t” trauma can shape self-perception

“Little t” trauma doesn’t only affect what you do. It often shapes what you believe about yourself.

Over time, repeated experiences can create internal conclusions like:

• “I’m not safe unless I stay ahead of problems.”
• “I have to be agreeable to be loved.”
• “Mistakes are costly.”
• “Being seen leads to criticism.”
• “My needs create problems.”

Those beliefs don’t just float around in your head. They show up in patterns, especially when you feel pressure.

Some common patterns include:

• Overthinking simple decisions
• Needing reassurance before you trust yourself to make a choice
• Replaying conversations to check for mistakes
• Perfectionism that feels like pressure, not pride
• People-pleasing to prevent the discomfort of disappointing others
• Over-explaining so you won’t be misunderstood
• Feeling responsible for other people’s reactions

If you recognize yourself here, take a breath. You’re not “too sensitive.” Your system adapted based on past experiences, and it’s still using those adaptations in your life today.

Confidence vs self-confidence

This article is focused on confidence, because that’s the word most women use when they’re searching for help. It’s also helpful to define confidence and self-confidence, because “little t” trauma can affect both (and many people don’t know the difference).

Confidence

Confidence is based on your past. It’s built on skills you’ve developed, experience you’ve gained, and evidence you’ve already collected.

That’s why you can feel confident in one area of life and shaky in another. The evidence and past experience is different.

Self-confidence

Self-confidence is based on your future.

Self-confidence is your capacity to trust yourself to navigate whatever comes up.

When “little t” trauma has shaped your stress response or self-perception, it often impacts self-confidence first. A woman might look capable and accomplished on the outside, but still feel self-doubt on the inside because her nervous system doesn’t trust what will happen if she gets it wrong, disappoints someone, or gets criticized.

Signs “little t” trauma may be impacting confidence

Here are a few signs that your past experiences may be influencing confidence and self-confidence today:

• Over-preparing because it doesn’t feel safe to be imperfect
• Second-guessing decisions and polling other people
• Avoiding visibility (speaking up, applying, posting, being seen)
• Dismissing strengths and focusing on flaws
• Treating feedback as a threat instead of information
• Over-explaining to prevent misunderstanding
• Feeling responsible for other people’s reactions and emotions
• Working hard, achieving a lot, and still feeling like a fraud inside

You don’t have to to identify with every bullet for this to be relevant. One or two patterns can be enough to create a lot of stress.

How to start moving forward in a practical, skills-based way

You don’t need a dramatic overhaul, and in fact, trying to create one can feel overwhelming and incredibly stressful. A more approachable plan is to take small steps that build self-confidence through repetition.

Step 1: Stop debating whether it “counts”

Your past experiences don’t have to be earth-shattering to have a real and lasting impact on your functioning.

A lot of women get stuck asking, “Does this count as trauma?” That question often keeps you in analysis mode, overthinking a question that ultimately misses the mark. It can also lead to minimizing your past experience, which can keep the pattern in place.

A more useful direction is this:

How might a trauma response be impacting your present day functioning, and what support could help you learn to respond differently over time?

Step 2: Learn to support yourself during a stress response

If your nervous system is activated, clear thinking and self-leadership get harder to access. That’s true even when you intellectually “know better.” It happens because the “thinking” part of your brain goes largely offline, and your “survival” brain kicks in.

This is where nervous system regulation skills help. They give your system a way to shift out of fight, flight, or freeze so your thinking brain can come back online.

If you want a deeper dive on this, check out this piece on nervous system regulation.

Step 3: Build self-confidence in small increments

Small increments of growth are often the best path toward building self-confidence, especially when there’s a history of trauma.

A lot of women try to force a big leap: “I should be over this by now.” Then their Security Guard hits the brakes, because their nervous system experiences that leap as unsafe.

Instead, focus on recognizing and building your capacity to navigate whatever comes p.

One approach I use with clients in my Resilient Foundations Trauma & Resilience Coaching program is asset-focused questioning. The goal is to strengthen your awareness of what already works, because strengths can be reverse-engineered into a personal playbook.

Here are a few examples of asset-focused questions you can use:

• What did I do this week that required courage, even if it looked small?
• Where did I follow through, even imperfectly?
• What has helped me recover from hard moments in the past?
• Which skill do I already have that I can apply here?

This can help you build self-confidence one honest, realistic step at a time.

Step 4: Choose one next best step

Pick a small, doable step you can actually follow through on.

That step might look like:

• Making one decision without asking other people first
• Saying your preference without explaining it
• Declining a request without over-apologizing
• Sending the email even though you can still see ways to improve it

Be sure to reflect on the small step you took from an asset-focused perspective. What can you give yourself props for? How can you give yourself honest but gentle feedback in a way that keeps you moving forward instead of shaming you for not showing up perfectly?

Real-world examples of “little t” trauma

Sometimes it helps to see examples that look “ordinary,” because that’s exactly why so many women dismiss their own history.

Here are few examples of recurring or ongoing stressors that can impact stress response and self-perception:

• Bullying, exclusion, or social dynamics that trained you to scan for approval or minimizing yourself
• Chronic criticism that trained you to focus on flaws, even when you’re doing well
• Walking on eggshells around unpredictable reactions
• Being embarrassed publicly and not receiving support afterward
• Financial stress that trained your body to stay braced for the next problem
• Pressure to keep the peace, especially if conflict felt unsafe
• Pressure to be the responsible one, especially if you had to grow up fast

None of these examples prove anything. They simply illustrate a reality: repeated experiences can shape how your brain and nervous system learn to relate to yourself, those around you, and the world at large. That learning influences your brain’s playbook. And, by the way, you have the capacity to rewrite that playbook using structured processes like the one I described today.

Conclusion

Trauma doesn’t need to be “big” to be impactful.

“Little t” trauma can shape your stress response and self-perception over time, and that can affect both your confidence and your self-confidence. The good news is that skills can be learned. Your nervous system can be supported. Self-trust can be rebuilt.

Self-trust is what makes confidence available when you need it. Confidence is a skill, and you have what it takes to build it.

If you’d like support with this work, schedule a Coaching Consultation or DM the word CONSULT and I’ll send you the booking link.