You’ve wished for years that you could figure out how to stop overthinking. You keep replaying that conversation in your head. Your shoulders are tight. You keep rewriting a simple email that you know should have taken 30 seconds to compose.

You know you’re smart and capable, yet making a decision and moving forward still feels risky. Worst of all, you know this is an issue for you, but you don’t know how to fix it.

Overthinking is not a character flaw. It’s a fear response your nervous system uses to try and keep you safe in situations where you usually don’t need protection. Once you learn how to create safety in your body and speak to your inner “Security Guard,” mindset shifts begin to stick and self-confidence begins to build.

The hidden cost of overthinking

Overthinking can feel productive and even wise. You research one more angle, open one more tab, ask three more people for their opinions.

Underneath the activity is a simple pattern: Making a decision or moving forward feels unsafe, so your mind tries to protect you by gathering more information and spending more time and energy on analysis.

The cost is real:

• You lose time, opportunities, and energy.
• Your self-confidence feels brittle because you tend to rely on other people’s affirmation and input to make decisions.
• Your relationships feel strained because you overexplain or say yes when you mean no.

None of this means there’s something wrong with you. It means your system is trying to help by offering normal biological reactions to perceived threats.

Here’s the great news: You can train your system to help you ways that better serve you. Yes, you actually can figure out how to stop overthinking.

Why your Security Guard sounds the alarm

Your Security Guard is the part of your brain and nervous system that scans your present environment through the lens of your past.

When she notices something that feels threatening, she blows her whistle, setting off alarm bells in your brain and body. That might look like:

• Your breath gets quick or shallow.
• Your shoulders creep up.
• Your thoughts rush in to try and prevent risk.
• You hesitate, freeze, or shut down.

When you recognize and understand what’s happening in your body and why, you can work with it instead of fighting it. You create safety for your nervous system first, then you choose how to think and feel. Only then do you take action, because here’s the truth:

You cannot outthink a dysregulated nervous system.

In fact, overthinking can be a sign of a dysregulated nervous system. The Security Guard feels unsafe, so she urges you to consider more angles, re-analyze, and think about it over and over, because that makes her feel safe in the moment.

The little secret behind overthinking

Here’s the thing about overthinking: If you’re analyzing, considering, or mulling over, you aren’t making a decision or taking action.

That’s really what your Security Guard is afraid of deep down: The risk of deciding or acting. Overthinking is her way of stalling on deciding or acting, which she perceives as dangerous (in reality, they are almost never truly dangerous, but she doesn’t understand that).

Figuring out how to stop overthinking starts with acknowledging and navigating your Security Guard’s responses to perceived danger.

A faith-based perspective

If faith is important to you, here’s some good news:

Trust is not blind.

It is a partnership between your values, your wisdom, and the God who loves you. You can bring your faith into this process with gentleness and honesty. God created our amazing human nervous system, and He also gave us the power to care for it. It’s truly an incredible gift.

How to stop overthinking: Regulate → Reassure → Respond

Use this process anytime you notice an alarm from your Security Guard that leads to overthinking.

The goal is not to remove all fear and put your Security Guard out of a job – she’s a part of you, and she’ll always be with you. The goal is to soothe your nervous system and choose your perspective on purpose. Action tends to flow naturally from this process.

Step 1: Regulate

Create physiological safety (AKA, send your Security Guard signals that you are safe) so your thinking brain can come online.

How to regulate. Find a few nervous system regulation tools that work for you. Here are a few ideas:

• Try inhaling for a 4 count, holding for a 4 count, exhaling for an 8 count – do this for six rounds.
• Drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth.
• Place your feet flat on the floor and name five things you see, 4 you can physically feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you can taste.
• Unclench your jaw and lower your shoulders.
• Set a 90-second timer and focus on lengthening your exhales.
• Slowly and gently rub your thumb across your fingertips, focusing on the sensation.

When to start. The moment you notice shallow breath, tight shoulders, or feel like you’re shutting down. Or, whenever you notice that you’re overthinking.

Pitfall to avoid. The whole idea behind nervous system regulation is to calm your body down and help you feel better. If you try a technique and it makes you feel worse, move on to another one.

Additionally, keep in mind that it might take several rounds of trying a technique (such as 5-10 rounds of intentional breathing) for it to be effective. It takes your body a little bit of time to calm down, so give it the time and intentionality it needs.

Step 2: Reassure

Reassure and acknowledge the Security Guard with gentle, compassionate, growth-minded language. The goal is to speak to the scared part of your brain and offer it some comfort and clarity. That might sound like:

• “Thanks for trying to help me. I’ve got this. I’ll be okay.”
• “I know you’re trying to keep me safe. There is no true danger here. I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, and it’s also time for me to move forward here.”

Step 3: Respond

Decide how you want to think and feel about the situation so you can move forward. Here are some examples of ways to shift your thinking:

• Catastrophizing: “If this doesn’t go well, I will learn and iterate within seven days.”
• All-or-nothing thinking: “I am allowed to do B- work. It can be safe for me to be imperfect.”
• Assuming what others are thinking about you: “I can’t know or control their thoughts about me. I will focus on what I can control, which is me.”
• Over-responsibility: “It’s not my job to fix every issue or solve every problem.”

Notice how each thought you “try on” makes you feel, and choose one that evokes the feeling you’re after. Avoid vague affirmations that don’t feel true. They won’t reassure your Security Guard.

Alternatively, consider how you want to feel about the circumstance or situation. Self-confident? At peace? Relieved? Safe?

Thoughts cause feelings (including subconscious thoughts that you may not even be aware of). Ask yourself what you’d need to think in order to generate the desired feeling.

Choose one thought and one feeling that will carry you forward in the situation. When you’re thinking and feeling from a place of intention, decisions and actions often flow more easily.

The Regulate, Reassure, Respond 90-second flow

1. Regulate: 4-in and 8-out breathing for 4-6 rounds.
2. Reassure: Comfort and reassure your Security Guard with compassionate, gentle self-talk.
3. Respond: Choose the thought and feeling for this moment. Let decisions and action flow from there.

Why Regulate, Reassure, Respond works

Here are a few reasons why the Regulate, Reassure, Respond exercise is a great choice:

• You can do it in 60-90 seconds
• It’s tailored to you every time
• It encompasses mindset AND nervous system – not just one or the other

Next step

If you want lasting, sustainable self-confidence that shows up in every room you enter, coaching can help. In The Self-Confidence Edit, my one-on-one coaching program, we use the Regulate, Reassure, Respond process to quiet your inner critic, develop your potential to navigate whatever comes up, and reframe others’ opinions from a healthy perspective. Want to learn more? Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to explore working together.