Calm can feel like something that’s out of your reach or that you can’t control. One day, you breeze through back-to-back meetings. The next, your heart races in the grocery store checkout line because someone is tapping a foot behind you.

It seems like nothing huge has changed, yet your nervous system feels very different.

You might wonder, “Why can I handle so much on some days and so little on others?”

That question makes sense. Here’s the good news.  Calm is not some magical trait that some people are born with, and others are just lucky to experience once in a while.

Rather, feeling calm is a practice. It grows from regular, gentle awareness of what’s happening in your body and mind and how you care for yourself in those moments.

When you treat feeling calm as a practice instead of like a switch or a lottery prize, you give your nervous system and your mind what they need to support real-world self-confidence.

Calm is a practice… here’s what that actually means

Most people treat calm like an outcome. You’re either calm or you’re not. You wait for circumstances to settle down so you can finally feel better.

A practice works differently. As a practice, calm is something you work to cultivate on ordinary days, in small moments, and return to when life and circumstances aren’t perfect.

Calm as a practice means you:

• Pay attention to early cues from your body and mind instead of only noticing when you are overwhelmed.
• Offer small bits of care for your nervous system and mind throughout the day, instead of waiting for a full day off or a big chunk of time to “reset.”
• Focus on gentle consistency rather than intensity or perfection.

Learning to practice calm is not about getting it right. It’s about building a relationship with your nervous system and your mind where you listen, respond, and build self-trust and self-leadership over time. That relationship is the foundation of self-confidence.

Your window of tolerance, in plain language

Think of your window of tolerance as the range where your nervous system can handle stress without moving into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Inside the window, you might still feel stressed or challenged, but you can:

• Think clearly enough to choose your next step with intention
• Notice your emotions without feeling consumed by them
• Communicate with some care, even if you feel annoyed or disappointed

When you’re outside your window of tolerance, your internal Security Guard is on high alert. She’s blowing her whistle, sounding the alarm. Your heart may race, your thoughts may speed up, or you might shut down and feel disconnected. It becomes much harder to choose how you want to respond.

Expanding and spending more time in your window of tolerance doesn’t mean you never feel anxious, stressed, or upset. It means your system has more room to move through those feelings without getting stuck. That extra room is what lets self-confidence take root, because you begin to trust that you can navigate difficult moments instead of being overwhelmed by them.

For a deeper look at how this ties into self-confidence, check out my article and video on why it’s hard to feel self-confident when your nervous system is dysregulated.

Noticing with care throughout the day

Practicing calm starts with an honest and compassionate awareness of what’s happening in your mind and body. No judgment, no trying to “fix” yourself. Just noticing with care.

Some things you might gently notice:

• Sensations: Are you experiencing physical sensations such as a tight jaw, clenched stomach, wide-open eyes, restless legs, shoulders hunched up, moving slowly
• Breath: Does it feel shallow or held, rapid, forced, easy, like a natural exhale?
• Posture: Do you feel your shoulders lifted toward your ears or resting more easily, hunching forward or slouching down versus sitting up straight and tall, closed in or open?
• Tension hotspots: Do you feel tension in your back, neck, forehead, hands?
• Speed of thoughts: Does your thinking feel calm, focused, racing, scattered?
• Activating and environmental factors: Do you feel yourself slipping outside your window of tolerance around certain people, sounds, locations, or tasks?

Here’s how this can look in real life.

On your commute

Traffic slows suddenly. Your Security Guard wants to lean on the horn. You notice your shoulders creeping up and your jaw tightening. You think, “I notice I’m tensing up. I can soften myself a bit here.” You focus on lengthening your exhale a few times. The situation is still annoying, but you stay within your window of tolerance.

In a meeting

A question catches you off guard. Your face feels hot. Your thoughts speed up. Instead of stammering through a frazzled response, you plant your feet on the floor and feel the support of the chair beneath you. You take one steady, silent breath and give yourself a moment before answering.

Setting a boundary with a colleague

You are about to say, “I cannot take that on this week.” Your heart pounds. Your Security Guard is worried about conflict. You notice the pounding and silently tell yourself, “Of course my heart is loud. This matters to me. I can care for that feeling and still speak clearly.”

Transitioning from work to home

You close your laptop and immediately feel pulled toward chores, messages, and family needs. You catch the urge to rush and instead pause in the doorway, take one slow breath, and ask, “What does my body need for one minute before I step into the next role?”

Don’t demand… do notice and care

In each case, the goal is not to demand that your body calm down. Instead, you’re saying, “I’m noticing what’s happening in my brain and body, and I’m caring for myself here.”  It’s kind of like the difference between yelling at an upset child to “Calm down!” versus supporting and comforting them in the midst of their experience.

When activation spikes and your Security Guard gets loud

Even with solid practice, there will still be moments when your Security Guard blows her whistle loudly and shatters the calm. You might feel shaky, panicked, or shut down.  That’s normal.

In those moments, it helps to have a simple tool you already know you can lean on. One option is my Regulate, Reassure, Respond (RRR) process. You can find a deep dive in this article and video.

For now, here’s a quick recap of the Regulate, Reassure, Respond process:

• Regulate: A small nervous system regulation action like feeling your feet on the floor, lengthening your exhale, or placing a hand on your chest to help bring yourself back into your window of tolerance.
• Reassure: A gentle thought like, “It makes sense that I’m feeling this way. I’m still here to support myself, and I’m safe right now.”
• Respond: Choosing how to respond to the situation with intention – coaching yourself through the moment.

My Regulate, Reassure, Respond exercise isn’t just for emergencies. It’s also a way of being with yourself that reminds your nervous system that you are paying attention and that you are on your own side.

How calm practice supports real-world self-confidence

Self-confidence is not about never feeling afraid or always having all the answers. It’s about trusting that you can take care of yourself and get through whatever comes up, even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly.

As you practice everyday nervous system regulation to create more calm:

• You catch early signals instead of being caught off-guard by your own reactions.
• You feel more able to make decisions from a grounded place, even when you’re feeling discomfort.
• Your Security Guard learns that you listen and respond, so she does not need to blow her whistle and sound the alarm as often.
• You start to believe, “Even if this is hard, I can meet myself with care and keep moving.”

That belief is the heart of self-confidence. It’s more than just a pep talk. It’s a practice you build through repetition.

A gentle next step to try this week

You don’t need another complex routine. Start with one simple practice.

Begin the habit of checking in with yourself periodically throughout the day.  Ask yourself:

• “What am I noticing in my body and mind today?  In this moment?”
• “How can I care for myself here, even in a small way?”

You might jot down one or two lines in a notes app or on a sticky note. Over time, those small acknowledgements teach your nervous system that you are paying attention. That is part of what grows your practice of cultivating the feeling of calm.

Invitation to go deeper

If you recognize yourself in this and you want guided support to apply nervous system regulation in your everyday life, Nervous System Regulation Coaching may be a good fit.

This coaching program is laser-focused on nervous system awareness and care so you can expand your window of tolerance and show up as the grounded, self-confident version of yourself more often.

You can book a free consultation for Nervous System Regulation Coaching here. If you’re interested in a deeper, step-by-step path to build self-confidence from the inside out by integrating nervous system work with mindset and self-confidence, you can explore The Self-Confidence Edit. Not sure which program is the best fit for you? Schedule a consultation and I’ll help you decide!