You can know you need boundaries, but you still struggle to hold them.

You can even be clear on what you want to say, and still find yourself saying yes, staying quiet, or over-explaining until your boundary ultimately disappears.

If that’s you, it’s probably not because you don’t have the right words. Most of the time, it’s because holding a boundary requires you to face emotional discomfort you’ve learned to avoid. (That’s totally normal and common, by the way.)

This is especially true if you’ve spent a long time managing other people’s disappointment, frustration, or awkwardness. In the moment, it can feel easier to smooth things over by disregarding your boundary than to risk someone being unhappy with you. Over time, it turns into resentment, exhaustion, and a relationship with yourself that doesn’t feel solid.

In this article, you’ll learn why you keep saying yes when you want to say no, what’s actually happening in the moment your boundaries collapse, and how to start holding boundaries in a way that’s rooted in love, not anger.

What “boundary collapse” looks like in real life

Boundary collapse is what happens when you know what you want to do, but you can’t seem to follow through.

It often looks like this… You might:

• Feel a clear internal no, but you say yes anyway.
• Stay quiet and hope the situation resolves itself.
• Start to set a boundary, then soften it, negotiate it, or over-explain it until it stops being a boundary.
• Agree “just this once,” and end up feeling resentful later.
• Take responsibility for someone else’s feelings and try to keep them emotionally comfortable, even if it costs you.

If any of those sound familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It usually means your nervous system and your self-trust are getting involved at the same time.

The real reason you keep saying yes

A lot of the time, what you’re really avoiding the feelings you believe will come with saying no.

It might be:

• Guilt
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of being judged or misunderstood
• The discomfort you feel when you believe someone else is disappointed, sad, or struggling

If someone is upset with you, you might feel a pull to fix it. If someone is disappointed, you might assume you’ve done something wrong. If someone is frustrated, you might feel responsible for their emotional experience.

So, you violate your own boundary to avoid the emotional discomfort you expect you’ll feel if they’re unhappy.

That’s why “just communicate better” usually doesn’t work in terms of sticking to your boundaries. The issue is not just your vocabulary, saying the “right” words, or having some “boundary script” in your back pocket. The issue is your ability to stay aligned with yourself while you’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

Boundaries work best when they come from love

When boundaries are discussed online, they’re often framed as scorched-earth shifts, ultimatums, or retaliatory actions toward people. Sometimes they’re framed as a way to “teach someone a lesson.”

That’s not what I’m talking about here.

Boundaries work best when they’re rooted in love and respect for yourself and for the other person. A boundary isn’t punishment. It’s honesty.

A loving boundary says:

• “I’m going to be honest about my limits so I don’t build resentment.”
• “I’m going to take responsibility for what I can actually do.”
• “I’m going to let you be responsible for your response to my answer.”

When you set boundaries from love, you’re not trying to control other people. You’re trying to show up with integrity.

Who’s driving the bus when you cave?

If you’ve heard me talk about the Security Guard, this is one of the most important places to apply that lens.

Right before you cave, pause and ask yourself: Who’s driving the bus right now?

When your values and self-trust are driving, the internal voice usually sounds like:

• “I can be kind and still say no.”
• “It’s okay to disappoint someone.”
• “I’m allowed to have limits.”
• “I can tolerate this discomfort and stay aligned.”

When your Security Guard is driving, the voice often sounds like:

• “If they’re disappointed, I’m unsafe.”
• “If they’re upset, I have to fix it.”
• “If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish.”
• “If I set this boundary, something bad will happen.”

This isn’t about shaming your Security Guard, who is trying her best to protect you in ways you don’t really need her to. Instead, it’s about recognizing what’s happening early enough to choose a different response.

Biological responses matter here, too

When your Security Guard sounds the alarm, you may feel it physically.

You might notice:

• A change in your heart rate
• Tightness in your chest
• A knot in your stomach
• Feeling shaky, hot, numb, or like your brain is going blank
• A sudden urge to talk fast, over-explain, or backtrack

All of that is normal.

It doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. It means your system is reacting to perceived threat, even if the “threat” is simply someone being disappointed.

If your Security Guard sounds the alarm and triggers biological responses like these, it can be a struggle to hold your boundaries, because your “thinking brain” goes largely offline, and your fight-flight or freeze response can take over. If you want support for what to do when your body reacts like this so you can soothe your nervous system and bring your thinking brain back online, check out my cornerstone article and video on nervous system regulation cornerstone article. It discusses ways to soothe your system so you can move forward, even though it’s uncomfortable.

Discomfort tolerance for stronger boundaries, or what I call “resilient discomfort”

Holding boundaries requires discomfort tolerance. That means you’re willing to feel uncomfortable emotions you’d rather avoid, without using “yes” as an in-the-moment escape hatch.

I call this resilient discomfort.

Resilient discomfort is an emotional state where you’re willing to face and press into discomfort because you recognize that it’s working for your greater good over time; it often even supports the other person’s growth, as well.

Resilient discomfort is the moment you decide:

“Yes, this is uncomfortable, and not all discomfort is bad. This discomfort is part of building self-trust.”

This is one of the building blocks of lasting, sustainable self-confidence. It’s a skill you can build.

It’s not your job to save everyone and everything

This is one of the hardest mindset shifts for people who struggle with boundaries.

If you’re always stepping in, rescuing, accommodating, smoothing, fixing, and carrying, it can start to feel like your job to keep everything running.

It isn’t.

It’s okay to:

• Disappoint people
• Decline to help
• Let the other person figure out another solution that doesn’t involve you violating your boundary

And here’s the part that’s easy to miss: when you always say “yes,” you often block growth.

You block your own growth because you don’t get the chance to build resilient discomfort and self-trust. You also end up filling your time, energy, and bandwidth with more tasks, commitments, and obligations than you can handle. That means less time for your own meaningful development and contributions.

You also block the other person’s growth because they don’t get the chance to problem-solve, get creative, make decisions, or learn what they’re capable of without leaning on you as the default solution.

Sometimes your “no” is exactly what creates space for someone else to step up.

Examples: what it looks like to hold boundaries from love

Boundaries get easier when you can picture how they look in real life. Here are three common scenarios.

Example 1: A volunteer role you don’t have the bandwidth for

Someone asks you to take on a volunteer role or a volunteer task. It’s a good cause. You care about it. You like the people. And you also know you don’t have the time or bandwidth.

This is where boundary collapse often happens. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You don’t want them to think you’re not committed. You don’t want the organization to struggle. You don’t want to feel guilty.

So you say yes, even though you know it’s not a good idea.

If you want to hold a loving boundary here, start with what you know about your capacity and your limits.

A loving boundary might sound like:

“Thanks for thinking of me. I’m not able to take that on right now.”

You can add a small supportive line if it’s true:

“I hope you find someone who can.”

Then comes resilient discomfort.

You might feel:

• guilty
• worried they’ll judge you
• a pull to explain yourself until the guilt goes away.

This is your moment to notice who’s driving the bus. If your Security Guard is driving, you’ll probably feel a need to smooth it over, backtrack, or offer a weaker yes.

If your thinking brain is driving, you’ll remind yourself:

“I can be a good person and still have limits.”

By the way, if your Security Guard is driving, you have permission to take a moment to soothe her through some nervous system regulation to get your thinking brain back online so you can respond with self-confidence.

Example 2: A family member request

A family member asks you for time, help, emotional support, or a favor. Sometimes it’s a reasonable request, sometimes not. Either way, you know you don’t have the capacity to do what they’re asking right now.

If you have a family system where guilt and obligation are common, you may feel an immediate pressure to comply. You might hear an old internal story that says, “You have to,” even when you don’t.

A loving boundary might sound like:

“I can’t do that.”

Or, if it feels more natural in your family dynamic:

“I’m not able to help with that.”

If you want to offer a smaller form of support that is actually true for you, you can, but you don’t have to. For example:

“I can’t take that on, but I can talk with you for ten minutes so you can think through your options.”

Only offer something like that if you genuinely want to, and only offer what you can actually follow through on. Otherwise, you’re just creating a new version of boundary collapse.

Then comes resilient discomfort.

You may feel guilty, anxious, or an urge to over-explain so they won’t be upset.

It’s okay to feel guilty or anxious. Those are normal emotional reactions. And you don’t have to over-explain.

You can be kind without over-functioning. You can be loving without rescuing. You can let them have their emotional response without making it your job to fix it.

Example 3: Declining a social invite, or the food/drink pressure that comes with it

Maybe you get invited somewhere and you don’t want to go. Or you do want to go, but you don’t want to participate in a specific thing, like having cake when you have a gluten sensitivity or drinking alcohol when you’re avoiding it.

These are everyday moments where people often override their boundaries because they don’t want to seem difficult. They don’t want to disrupt the vibe. They don’t want to be judged.

A loving boundary might sound like:

“Thanks for inviting me. I’m going to stay in tonight, but I hope you have a great time.”

Or, if it’s about food:

“No thanks, gluten doesn’t work for me.”

Or, if it’s about alcohol:

“No thanks, I’m not drinking.”

Then comes the uncomfortable part: letting the moment be a little awkward. Maybe even letting yourself feel more uncomfortable if the person pushes back and pressures you to join in.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be a shut-in.” “Aww, have a piece of cake with me!” “No, seriously, have a drink. You’ll feel more relaxed!”

A lot of boundary collapse happens because you try to fill the silence, prevent someone else from feeling uncomfortable, or struggle to hold your ground when they apply peer pressure. You start over-explaining. You start apologizing. You start negotiating your boundary away.

Resilient discomfort looks like letting it be simple.

You are not responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings about your choices. Your decision is made, and they can respond however they want to – that’s theirs to manage.

A simple checkpoint before you respond

If you want to catch boundary collapse earlier, try this quick checkpoint before you answer a request:

• Do you actually have the bandwidth for this?
• Are you about to say yes to avoid discomfort?
• If you say no and they’re disappointed, can you let that be okay?
• Who’s driving the bus right now?

You don’t have to answer perfectly. You just have to notice what’s happening.

Because once you notice it, you can start to choose differently.

A grounded next step

Boundaries are not just communication. They’re self-trust and self-confidence in action.

If you keep caving, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It usually means you’ve learned to avoid emotional discomfort and protect connection by keeping other people emotionally comfortable – often at the cost of your own bandwidth, resentment, and well-being.

You can change that.

You can set boundaries from love for yourself and others. You can build resilient discomfort. You can learn to stay aligned even when uncomfortable emotions arise, even when your Security Guard sounds the alarm, even when someone is disappointed.

And when you do, you don’t just get better boundaries. You get a stronger relationship with yourself.

If you want help identifying your boundary collapse pattern and practicing the skills that help you hold boundaries without resentment, book a Coaching Consultation. We’ll discuss what’s happening for you, the changes you’d like to make, and how I can help you get there.