A lot of people with perfectionistic patterns genuinely believe they simply have high standards (I know I used to).

Sometimes, they’re right.

However, when you look more closely, what often shows up underneath the “high standards” label is intense stress, harsh self-criticism, and a constant sense that you and your work aren’t good enough.

Perfectionism can show up in a number of ways, such as:

• Overworking
• Over-preparing
• Rewriting, redoing, or reworking until you’re exhausted
• Fixating on flaws and dismissing strengths and accomplishments
• Talking yourself out of opportunities because you don’t feel “qualified enough,” even when you have what it takes
• Procrastinating on starting or taking action

In this article, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between high standards and perfectionism, what perfectionism is often trying to protect you from, and a two-step approach to shifting away from perfectionism that includes self-regulation first, then self-confidence building.  It’s designed to help you move forward without needing to get it perfect first.

High standards vs perfectionism

The quickest way to tell the difference between high standards and perfectionism is to look at what’s driving the behavior.

High standards are often rooted in an inner commitment to excellence that is also flexible enough to allow for errors and growth. People with healthy high standards are able to separate themselves from their results.

Perfectionism, on the other hand, is often rooted in an attempt to secure safety, especially in terms of what you’ll decide your results mean about you, or what other people will think.  People who have behavioral patterns rooted in perfectionism often struggle to separate themselves from their results, tying their self-worth to their success or the approval of others.

What high standards tend to feel like

High standards often include:

• Clarity about what excellence looks like. You can describe what you’re aiming for and why it matters to you.
• An inner commitment to excellence and to supporting yourself in achieving it. You don’t just demand quality; you work with yourself toward creating it.
• Forward movement with room for iteration. You can make progress without needing the first draft to be the final draft.
• A level of self-confidence and resilience that supports course-correction. If you don’t meet your own standards, you can cope effectively and adjust without collapsing into self-criticism. This isn’t about “maturity.” It’s about adaptation. You’ve learned how to respond to imperfection in a way that keeps you moving forward.

High standards can absolutely be demanding, but they don’t require you to be perfect in order to feel safe.

What perfectionism tends to feel like

Perfectionism often includes:

• Fear-based urgency. You feel a sense of risk or danger if you don’t achieve or maintain perfection.
• The “what will they think?” or “what will this mean about me?” loop. Your work, your appearance, or your choices start to feel like a referendum on your worth.
• Difficulty finishing things because you’re always moving the goalposts, and it doesn’t feel safe to let yourself be done.
• Harsh self-criticism, fixating on your flaws, and dismissing your strengths and accomplishments.

Procrastination and overworking can both be forms of perfectionism. One looks like avoidance, and the other looks like over-functioning. Underneath, both are often driven by the same desire to mitigate risk and secure safety.

Overall, perfectionistic behaviors tend to have the same underlying goal: To reduce vulnerability by trying to control outcomes, perception, or meaning. That’s why perfectionism can show up in so many different forms.

High standards are rooted in the self-confident pursuit of excellence. Perfectionism is rooted in trying to create safety and reduce vulnerability.

What perfectionism is protecting you from

Perfectionism is rarely random. It tends to be protective.

It can be an attempt to protect yourself from:

• Judgment and criticism
• Feelings like embarrassment or shame
• Being seen as incompetent
• Rejection or loss of approval
• Uncertainty about how something will land
• Inability to control of how others perceive you

It can also be protecting you from something that’s closer to home: your own self-perception.

Sometimes perfectionism is trying to prevent you from having to think a painful thought about yourself.

For example:

• “If I can’t fit into these jeans, I’ll believe I’m unattractive and unworthy.”
• “I have to perform well in that meeting, or else I’ll believe I’m not cut out for this.”
• “If I get criticized, it will mean I’m not good enough.”

Perfectionism often isn’t just about avoiding what other people might think. It can also be about avoiding how you think and feel about yourself when you don’t show up perfectly.

Behaviors people don’t always recognize as perfectionism

When people think of perfectionism, they often think of someone who procrastinates or avoids starting.

However, perfectionism can also look like someone who never stops.

Here are a few common examples:

• Overworking or over-perfecting a work product
• Rewriting the same email, presentation, resume, or proposal repeatedly
• “One more tweak” that turns into hours
• Fixating on flaws while dismissing strengths and wins
• Avoiding applying, asking, or being visible because it might not go well
• Appearance perfectionism, such as feeling like you can’t leave the house without makeup
• Self-criticism that masquerades as motivation

Again, the details change, but the driver is usually similar: “If I can just get this perfect, I can feel safe.”

Why your nervous system matters first

Your brain prioritizes protection when your nervous system is dysregulated. That’s when perfectionistic patterns often become more intense.

You aren’t broken if you have perfectionistic patterns. It just means that your system is responding as if something is unsafe. In that state, it becomes harder to access the thinking part of your brain.  That’s the part that can reason, problem-solve, and think critically.

This is why self-regulation has to come first.

The goal of self-regulation isn’t to erase stress or discomfort, but to bring you back into a state where you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting out of fear. Once your nervous system is better-regulated, your thinking brain comes back online, and you can work toward building self-confidence.

If you want to learn more about how your nervous system impacts self-confidence, check out this article.

The two-pronged approach that shifts away from perfectionism

You can’t think your way out of perfectionism while your nervous system still feels unsafe. For that reason, my approach has two parts.

Part 1: Self-regulation

Self-regulation brings you back into your window of tolerance so you can think more clearly – something that can be a struggle when your nervous system is activated.

It’s the difference between:

• trying to force yourself to “stop being perfectionistic” while your system is activated, and
• leading yourself through a period of dysregulation so you can respond thoughtfully.

Self-regulating doesn’t mean you won’t feel stress, but that you can lead yourself through stress without letting it run the show.

Part 2: Self-confidence building

Once your thinking brain is back online, you’re much better positioned to do some self-confidence work.

A core belief that can help loosen perfectionism over time is this:

“I can navigate whatever comes up, even if it isn’t perfect or exactly how I wanted.”

Notice what that belief does for you.  It doesn’t promise:

• That nobody will judge you
• That you’ll never feel discomfort
• Promise perfect outcomes

Instead, it builds belief in your capacity to handle whatever arises – and that’s the definition of self-confidence.

It helps you trust that if:

• Something is imperfect
• Someone misunderstands you
• Someone gives you feedback that’s hard to hear
• You don’t feel amazing about how something landed

…you can still lead yourself through it.

This is also where resilient discomfort fits beautifully. Resilient discomfort is the willingness to face and move through emotional discomfort because you recognize it’s working for your greater good over time.

Perfectionism tries to protect you from discomfort by controlling outcomes. Self-confidence grows when you learn that you can tolerate discomfort and move forward anyway.

A practical process to move through perfectionism

Here’s a clear process you can use to self-regulate and generate self-confidence when perfectionism shows up.

Step 1: Notice the perfectionism cue

This might be something like:

• feeling the urge to fix or tweak “one more thing” repeatedly
• struggling to hit ‘send’
• reworking the same piece many times
• feeling stressed about what someone will think
• deciding you can’t move forward until it’s perfect

Step 2: Self-regulate first

• If your nervous system feels dysregulated, start with self-regulation.
• The goal is to bring your nervous system back to a state where you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting out of fear.

If you’d like to learn more about nervous system regulation, check out this article and video.

Step 3: Identify the underlying fear

Once your nervous system is better-regulated, ask yourself these questions:

• What am I afraid will happen if this isn’t perfect?
• What am I afraid this will mean about me?
• What am I trying to prevent?

This is important because perfectionism often feels logical at first. Identifying the underlying fear helps you start exploring what’s really going on under the surface.

Step 4: Ask questions that build self-confidence

Next, address how you could lead yourself through that underlying fear.  You might try questions like:

• If this doesn’t go how I want, how can I support myself and navigate it?
• If this does go how I want, how can I navigate that without immediately raising the bar on myself again?
• What is the next self-trusting step I can take to move this forward, even if it isn’t perfect?
• If someone criticizes me, how can I lead myself through that?

These questions move you from “How do I prevent discomfort?” to “How do I move through it when I encounter it?”

That’s the shift that helps you move beyond patterns of perfectionism and build self-confidence over time.

Step 5: Define a self-respecting “ship it” standard

Perfectionism tends to keep moving the goalposts. It can feel hard to get anything to a point where it’s “done” as a result. By contrast, high standards set a clear goal and support your ability to follow through on pursuing it.

Ask:

• What does excellence look like here, realistically?
• How can I define “good and complete” for this [project / product / effort]?
• What would I feel proud to submit, even if it isn’t perfect?

The objective here is not to lower your standards. Instead, the objective is to choose standards that are rooted in self-confident excellence instead of fear.

Step 6: Follow through and practice resilient discomfort

Next, take self-confident action.  Let it ship when it’s good enough.  Hit send when you’re pretty happy with it so you don’t overthink and overedit.  Release yourself from the expectation that you get it perfect, and embrace getting it done and navigating whatever comes next.

If discomfort comes up, you allow that resilient discomfort to exist without reaching for perfectionism as the escape hatch.

That’s what builds self-confidence over time – little batches of decisions where you decide that maybe “good enough” really is good enough.

Examples: what this looks like in real life

Let’s walk through some scenarios to demonstrate how this can look in real life.

Example 1: A work presentation

Maybe you’re asked to present in a meeting. You care about doing a great job. That’s not a problem.

High standards might look like preparing thoughtfully, practicing, and refining your message.

Perfectionism can show up as obsessing, over-preparing, reworking every slide repeatedly, and feeling like it’s never safe to be done. The fear underneath might be: “If I’m not perfect, they’ll think I’m incompetent.”

Here’s how the two-pronged approach helps:

1. Notice the cue: You’re reworking the same slide for the fourth time because you’re afraid it isn’t good enough.
2. Self-regulate: Bring your system back into your window of tolerance so your thinking brain comes back online.
3. Identify the fear: “I’m afraid they’ll judge me.”
4. Build self-confidence: “I can navigate questions, feedback, and imperfection.”
5. Ship-it standard: “Clear slides, clear structure, and two intentional refinements. Then done.”
6. Follow through: Give the presentation, and allow yourself to feel any discomfort that comes up without using it as a reason to try and over-control.

Example 2: Appearance perfectionism (makeup and visibility)

Maybe there are days you feel like you can’t leave the house without makeup. Or perhaps you believe you can’t run errands unless you feel “put together.” You might avoid being seen because you’re convinced people will judge you.

Surprisingly, the fear here often isn’t actually about makeup.  Instead, it’s usually around what it might mean about you if you’re seen without it. It’s often a fear around self-perception and perceived judgment, especially if you tend to struggle with self-esteem or self-worth.

Use self-regulation first, to get your thinking brain back online.

Then, choose a self-confident thought to move forward with:
“I can navigate whatever comes up, even if I don’t look exactly how I want.”
“It’s possible for me to tolerate discomfort about being seen without makeup.”
“I don’t need to earn safety by being perfectly presentable.”

You don’t have to start with the hardest version of this. You can certainly start with a small exposure: a quick errand, a walk, a brief stop somewhere. The idea isn’t to prove you don’t care, but to build self-trust that you can handle how you feel.

My experience with self-consciousness around makeup

Full disclosure: I used to hate being seen without makeup. It was exhausting.

One day, I tried going out without makeup and being seen by lots of people I knew… and no one said anything. Even if they did, I could have gotten through it.

As a result, I spent so much time, money, and effort wearing makeup that most people didn’t really notice or care about to make myself feel better. It wasn’t really that THEY weren’t accepting me… it was that I wasn’t accepting me. Once I learned to accept and love how I look without makeup, it became so much easier (and less expensive and exhausting) to get ready each day.

Example 3: Applying for a role

You see an opening for a role you want, and immediately your brain starts listing reasons you shouldn’t apply:

“I’m not qualified.”
“I don’t have enough experience.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“What if I apply and they reject me?”

Perfectionism here can look like overworking your resume, repeatedly reworking cover letters, and delaying until the opportunity passes. It can also look like talking yourself out of applying entirely.

Again, employ self-regulation first. Then, build self-confidence.

“I can navigate…

• …rejection.”
• …feedback.”
• …learning on the job.”
• …being new at something.”

The self-confident move isn’t guaranteeing the outcome. It’s taking the step and trusting that you can handle whatever comes up.

Bringing it all together

High standards can be healthy and motivating. They can reflect your values and your commitment to excellence.

Perfectionism is different. It’s often a protection strategy. It’s basically an attempt to mitigate risk and secure safety, especially around what you’ll make something mean about you, and what other people will think about you and your work.

You can control what you make it mean about you – and I suggest that you work to be intentional, compassionate, and self-supportive in that realm.

However, you can’t control what other people think about you, no matter how much your brain tries to tell you that “one more tweak” will help you achieve the perfection it believes will insulate you from rejection, judgment, and failure.

You’re allowed to show up imperfectly. It’s okay (and normal) to fail. You’re still seen and loved – always.

If you want to shift away from perfectionism, start with self-regulation so your thinking brain can come back online. Then build self-confidence, one small thought and action at a time: I can navigate whatever comes up, even if it isn’t perfect or exactly how I wanted.

That’s how you pursue excellence without letting fear run the show. If you want support with growing beyond perfectionism and building self-confidence and self-trust, book a Coaching Consultation here: https://www.amyschield.com/book.  We’ll talk about what’s happening for you now, where you’d like to be, and how I can help you build the skills you need to get there.