Have you ever looked around at the confident women in your workplace and wondered, “How are they so sure of themselves? …And how come I’m not?”
Maybe they’re the ones speaking up in meetings, volunteering to lead the projects, applying for the promotions, asking for the raise, or setting clear boundaries around their time and energy. On the outside, they seem calm, capable, and certain.
Meanwhile, you’re overthinking what you said in yesterday’s meeting, second-guessing whether you’re ready to level up in your work and career, or talking yourself out of an opportunity that you really, really want.
So it’s easy to assume: “They must not feel the same fear and self-doubt that I feel.”
But that’s the myth.
The truth is, confident people at work DO experience fear and self-doubt. They just respond to those feelings differently.
When you learn how to respond to fear and self-doubt in a way that *moves you forward* (instead of keeping you stuck), those feelings stop running the show. *You* can lead the project, apply for the promotion, ask for the raise, take the vacation, or set the boundary without waiting until you feel perfectly confident first.
In this post, we’re going to talk about why this myth is so easy to believe, how it may be holding you back, and what confident people are actually doing differently so you can start doing it, too.
Ready? Let’s talk about what’s really going on.
Why It’s So Easy to Believe This Myth
First, let’s take the pressure off: It makes complete sense that you’ve believed this.
You are not silly, weak, or broken for looking at confident people and assuming they don’t struggle with fear or self-doubt. Your brain is simply doing what brains do. It’s observing, comparing, trying to make sense of what it sees, and most importantly, trying to keep you safe from what *it thinks* is dangerous.
The problem is, at work, you often only see the “outside” version of people:
- The polished presentation, not the nerves beforehand
- The confident comment in the meeting, not the internal pep talk they gave themselves before speaking up
- The promotion announcement, not the moments when they wondered whether they were really qualified (and whether they should apply at all)
The workplace often rewards performance, polish, and composure. Chances are, you’re just seeing the highlight reel of those around you, while they keep their mental noise private.
And your brain eats that stuff up!
When you don’t see someone else wrestling with self-doubt or fear of failure, your brain may decide they simply don’t experience those things. Then it takes the next painful step and says, “If they don’t struggle with this and I do, there must be something wrong with me.”
That’s where the myth gets sticky.
You don’t just believe that confident people don’t feel fear or self-doubt. There’s a good chance you *also* believe that your fear is evidence that you’re not confident, not ready, or not cut out for the thing you want.
Meet Your Inner Security Guard (And Preview Her Counterpart, Your Inner CEO)
Here’s the truth you need to hear: Fear and self-doubt are normal human emotions. They’re a reasonable reaction to all kinds of uncertainties. They are not proof that you’re incapable. They’re just feelings.
They are signals from a protective part of your brain. I like to call that part your inner Security Guard.
Your inner Security Guard is always scanning for danger (or potential danger – based on her own definitions of what’s dangerous, *not* yours). Not just physical danger, but emotional discomfort, too:
- Failure
- Rejection
- Embarrassment
- Criticism
- Disapproval
- Uncertainty
So when you think about applying for the promotion, leading the project, speaking up in a high-stakes meeting, or setting a boundary with someone who may not like it, your inner Security Guard may throw up a big brick wall.
Her intention is protection, but protection is not always the same thing as wise leadership.
You don’t need to stop every time your inner Security Guard sounds the alarm. Sometimes, you need to pause, assess what’s happening, calm your nervous system, and put your inner CEO back in charge.
That’s a skill. And it’s one you can learn.
How This Myth Has Been Holding You Back
When you believe confident people don’t experience fear or self-doubt, it *changes how you interpret your own feelings.*
Instead of thinking, “I’m feeling nervous because this [project, promotion, opportunity, etc.] is important to me,” you may think, “I’m feeling nervous because I’m not ready.”
Instead of thinking, “This is new, so of course my brain feels unsure,” maybe you think, “This self-doubt means I shouldn’t do it.”
Instead of thinking, “I can feel afraid and still take the next step,” you may think, “I need to wait until I feel confident.”
Waiting to feel confident can slowly and gently tank your career.
Maybe you:
- Hesitate to apply for a promotion, because you believe you should feel certain before you put your name in the hat
- Avoid stepping into a leadership role, because the “stars” in the office don’t seem to struggle with self-doubt the way you do
- Hold back from spearheading a new initiative, because you think fear means you’re not the right person for it
- Avoid visibility, because the self-doubt feels too intense, and you assume that feeling should be gone by now
You may even look at the confident people in the office with envy or resentment. They seem to have it all together while you feel like you’re slow-motion drowning in self-doubt and fear of failure.
Let’s identify (and start *solving*) the real problem
Here’s what I want you to see: The problem is *not* that fear and self-doubt show up.
The problem is that your brain has learned to make those feelings mean something negative about you.
We do or don’t do anything in life because of how we believe it will make us feel.
So if your brain tells you that:
- Applying for the promotion and not getting it will feel humiliating,
- Setting and sticking to the boundary will feel unbearable, or
- Speaking up will feel unsafe,
…your inner Security Guard may try to convince you not to move forward.
And if you believe that confident people don’t feel those things, you may assume that your own Security Guard’s alarm is proof that you should stop.
That’s how this myth keeps smart, capable women from having the impact they’re meant to have.
When you believe people who have what you want (confidence) don’t deal with the problem you have (fear and self-doubt), it’s common to conclude that there’s something wrong with you.
…But there isn’t.
Believing that story your brain cooked up can keep you from taking the very actions that would help you create the positive impact you want to have on yourself, your colleagues, your industry, your family, and your community.
So let’s look at what’s *actually* true.
What Confident People Are *Actually* Doing
Confident people hear stories from their brains, too.
They hear a lot of sentences that begin with, “What if…”
- “…I totally blow this project?”
- “…they think I’m not qualified?”
- “…I mess this up?”
- “…I ask for too much?”
- “…they say no?”
- “…I disappoint someone?”
The difference is not that their brain never offers those kinds of thoughts (in fact, I guarantee that it does!). Rather, it’s that they actively try not to let those thoughts (and the mindset they feed) make their decisions for them.
They may:
- Notice the fear and still apply
- Feel self-doubt and still speak up
- Feel nervous about disappointing someone and still protect their time
- Feel uncertain and still lead
*That* is self-confidence.
Self-confidence is not the absence of fear or self-doubt, nor is it the constant feeling of being 100% sure.
Self-confidence is trusting yourself to move with intention and navigate whatever comes up, even when emotional discomfort is present.
By the way, not all discomfort is bad, and some of it is actually really good for your growth and development. I call that resilient discomfort, and it’s something you learn how to lean into inside my 1:1 coaching program, The Self-Confidence Edit.
(Of course, some people are also very good at hiding their self-doubt. But hiding it takes a lot of time and energy. And the goal is *not* to become a better hider. 😉)
Training These Two Inner Leaders Will Help You Build Confidence
The true path to becoming like those confident women in the office is to become a better leader of your own mind.
People avoid emotional discomfort they’re actually capable of handling because their brain talks them into believing it will feel much worse than it usually does. The key is to train your inner Security Guard and inner CEO to respond in ways that serve you and help you grow.
For example, when it comes to applying for a promotion:
- Your inner Security Guard may say, “Do *not* apply. You will be devastated if you don’t get it.”
- Your inner CEO can say, “It would be disappointing not to get it, but I can handle disappointment. I still want to give myself the chance.”
If you need to protect your time, energy, and wellbeing:
- Your inner Security Guard may say, “Do *not* set that boundary. They’ll be upset.”
- Your inner CEO can say, “They may have feelings and opinions about my boundary, and I can be kind and clear without overextending myself.”
If you want to share an idea, but you notice that you’re hesitating:
- Your inner Security Guard may say, “Do *not* speak up. What if your idea gets dismissed or rejected?”
- Your inner CEO can say, “My idea doesn’t need to be perfect to be worth sharing.”
When you learn how to recognize and move through emotional discomfort by putting your inner CEO in charge instead of letting your inner Security Guard shut you down, that’s when you start becoming one of those confident people at work.
It can feel like the missing piece you’ve been searching for.
I’ve seen this again and again with my own clients, and throughout my own confidence journey, too. I used to think my sub-surface self-doubt meant that confidence just wasn’t intended for me. I thought if I were truly confident, I wouldn’t doubt myself so much.
But that wasn’t true.
It didn’t mean confidence wasn’t available to me. It meant I hadn’t yet worked on the skill of building my confidence by choosing how to respond to the self-doubt and fear I felt.
Once I started making those shifts, my world changed. Things I once thought were *only* possible for other people became possible for *me,* too. Plus, I had the confidence to actually pursue them, which changed basically every part of my life.
What You Can Do Differently Now
Now that you know fear and self-doubt are not signs that something has gone wrong, what can you do next?
The key is to recognize when your inner Security Guard is setting off an alarm, then put your inner CEO back at the head of the table so she can be the one making your decisions for you.
Here are four places to start.
1. Practice believing there is nothing wrong with you
If you’ve been believing there’s something wrong with you because confident people at work don’t seem to feel the same fear and self-doubt as you do, begin there.
Start practicing these beliefs instead:
“There is nothing wrong with me. Self-doubt and fear are normal human emotions.”
You probably won’t believe these perfectly right away, and that’s okay. Beliefs are just thoughts that you think over and over, until they become engrained in your brain.
By practicing these thoughts, you’re giving your brain a new path to learn. You’re also reminding yourself that:
- Feeling self-doubt or fear does not equal failure… it just means you’re human
- Self-doubt doesn’t have to be a brick wall
- Discomfort is rarely dangerous
That’s your inner CEO guiding you to shift and grow.
2. Decide what you want to make your emotions mean
When self-doubt or fear arise, you get to decide what you want to make them mean.
You do not have to accept the first interpretation your brain offers.
For example, you can make self-doubt mean:
- “I’m not capable.”
- “I’m not ready.”
- “I don’t belong here.”
- “I should wait.”
Or you can make self-doubt mean:
- “I’m a little unsure because I’m trying something new.”
- “I don’t know how this will turn out, and that’s okay.”
- “My brain is having a normal reaction to uncertainty.”
- “It’s safe for me to feel this and still move forward, and I can do that.”
That second set of meanings creates *very* different results.
Your inner CEO examines your emotions carefully and decides what meaning to assign to them, rather than going with your inner Security Guard’s first suggestion. That’s the kind of practice that puts the wind back in your career’s sails.
3. Choose how you want to think and feel about the situation
You can *experience* fear and self-doubt without *making decisions from them.* That’s a lot easier to do when you understand that your thoughts cause your feelings.
One helpful question to ask is:
“How do I want to feel about this circumstance?”
Maybe you want to feel:
- Confident about applying for the promotion
- Committed when you set the boundary
- Proud of yourself for speaking up, even if your voice shakes
Then, ask:
“What would I need to think in order to feel that way?”
For example:
- “It’s okay to advocate for myself.”
- “I can be new at this and still get it done.”
- “I don’t need perfect confidence to take the next step.”
Then, practice that thought. The more you practice it, the more you’ll believe it, and the more the feeling you’re after will follow.
The goal here is not to pretend everything is easy or to repeat mindless affirmations that don’t feel true. It’s to choose thoughts and emotions that help you lead yourself well instead of letting fear make your decisions for you.
That’s your inner CEO showing strategic leadership over your life and your mind.
4. Learn how to calm your inner Security Guard
Your inner Security Guard is *not* the enemy.
She’s actually trying to protect you. She just has a habit of overestimating the true level of danger a lot of the time.
So part of building self-confidence is learning how to communicate with her effectively and help her return to a calmer state. This is where nervous system regulation comes in as a crucial skill.
When your Security Guard sounds her alarm and your body feels activated, tense, panicky, frozen, shut down, or overwhelmed, it can be difficult to think clearly. Your inner CEO is off the clock, and your inner Security Guard is taking over the room.
That’s why calming your nervous system can be such an important part of responding to fear and self-doubt.
Inside my signature one-on-one coaching program, The Self-Confidence Edit, I teach my clients to use a tool I created called the SCAN tool.
The SCAN tool is a quick, simple, in-the-moment process that helps you assess who’s in charge (your Security Guard or your CEO), calm your Security Guard through nervous system regulation, and decide with intention how to move forward. SCAN stands for Stop, Check In, Adjust, Navigate.
This is how my clients move from longing to be one of the confident people at work to actually embodying that confidence.
They begin:
- Raising their hands to lead
- Applying for promotions
- Getting more work done
- Enjoying their co-workers more
- Protecting their time and energy
- Making decisions from their values and goals instead of from fear and self-doubt
And perhaps most importantly, they stop treating fear and self-doubt as reasons to abandon themselves.
You Might Be Wondering: “Can I Really Develop That Level of Confidence?”
You might be thinking, “This sounds good, but can I really develop the same level of confidence other people at work seem to have? I feel so gripped by fear and self-doubt. It just doesn’t seem possible for me.”
Yes. You *absolutely can.*
I’ve helped many people do it.
The fear and self-doubt may feel very strong right now. That doesn’t mean they will always feel this strong.
The more you do this work, the more you learn how to:
- Recognize what’s happening in your brain and body
- Calm the inner alarm
- Question the stories your brain offers
- Choose your response with intention
Over time, fear and self-doubt often become less intense. Even before they do, though, you become more skilled at moving through them.
That’s the part so many people miss! You don’t need to wait until fear disappears to feel self-confident.
You build self-confidence by taking intentional action even when fear is present, and trusting yourself to navigate whatever comes up.
The Real Truth About Confidence In The Workplace
Confident people are not fearless.
They aren’t free from self-doubt.
They’re not walking around with perfect certainty while you alone are stuck with a noisy, fearful, self-doubting brain.
They’re human, just like you.
The difference is that they have learned, one way or another, how to respond to fear and self-doubt in a way that keeps them moving toward what matters to them.
You can learn that, too.
You can:
- Stop letting your inner Security Guard make decisions for you
- Put your inner CEO back in charge
- Feel nervous and still raise your hand
- Feel self-doubt and still apply
- Feel uncomfortable and still set the boundary
And when you do, your work life starts to feel *very* different.
You’ll no longer be waiting for some magical day when you finally feel “confident enough.” You’ll be building self-confidence through the way you choose to lead yourself in real time.
That’s how you start to showcase what *you already know* you’re capable of.
Ready to Build This Skill With Support?
If you’re ready to stop letting fear and self-doubt make your decisions for you, I’d love to support you.
Schedule a free coaching consultation to discuss becoming a one-on-one client in my highly personalized coaching program, The Self-Confidence Edit.
Inside this program, we’ll work together to help you understand your inner Security Guard, strengthen your inner CEO, and use tools like the SCAN tool to move forward with more self-confidence, clarity, and calm.
Visit https://www.amyschield.com/book to get on my calendar. You don’t have to wait until you feel totally fearless to start becoming the confident woman you want to be at work. You can start now.
