Have you ever looked confident on the outside while secretly second-guessing almost everything on the inside?
Maybe you’re seen as smart, capable, and reliable…. the person people trust to get things done.
Behind the scenes, though, you’re:
- Overthinking most of the emails you write and send
- Replaying what you said in meetings
- Quadruple-checking your work before you send it out
- Talking yourself out of applying for the promotion, leading the project, changing careers, or setting the boundary you know you need
That was exactly where I found myself for *years.*
I knew I was smart and capable, and I also knew I had more to contribute. I wanted to have a bigger impact, step into leadership, and stop worrying so much about what other people thought of me.
But instead of moving forward, I stayed stuck.
I stayed in a job I was good at, but that didn’t allow me to use my full skills and potential. I talked myself out of promotions. I let fear, perfectionism, and self-doubt make major decisions for me (and lots of minor ones, too).
Every time I watched another great opportunity pass me by, I felt more frustrated, unhappy, and resentful toward myself.
Looking back, I honestly believe that if I hadn’t addressed my self-confidence struggles, I might still be in that same job today, wondering what would have happened if I had finally had the courage to do something different.
Thankfully, though, that’s not where my story ended.
Once I learned how to:
- Change the way I saw myself,
- Trust my ability to handle whatever happened,
- Stop letting other people’s opinions run my life, and
- Support my nervous system through the process,
…everything – my career, my relationships, my whole life – began to change.
I stopped criticizing myself so harshly. I started speaking up more. I began setting boundaries around my time and energy. I learned how to take imperfect action. And eventually, my growing self-confidence led me to become a certified coach and build my own coaching practice helping other women do the same.
This is the story of how I went from shy, stuck, and self-critical to confident, visible, and willing to build a career and life that actually reflects me.
If any part of this feels familiar… I hope it helps you see what may be possible for you, too.
Before: I Looked Capable, But I Didn’t Feel Confident
For most of my life, I was smart, capable, and somewhat of an overachiever.
On paper, things looked good. I worked hard. I performed well. I earned good grades. I had good performance reviews once I entered the workforce. I had the skills, credentials, and experience to move up in my career.
But internally, I struggled with a deep lack of self-confidence and a lot of self-criticism.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that I needed to achieve, do things perfectly, and get things “right” in order to receive love, approval, or acceptance from other people.
That belief followed me *everywhere.*
It followed me into college, where I studied acting and minored in music. I loved the performing arts, and I worked hard enough to graduate cum laude.
But during my senior year, when it came time to think seriously about what came next, I couldn’t stand the thought of moving to a new city, auditioning over and over, and facing rejection again and again.
I cared about performing, but I didn’t believe in myself enough to tolerate the uncertainty, visibility, and rejection that would come with pursuing it.
So instead, I decided to get an MBA.
After that, I really wanted to work for a consulting firm. Once again, though, my self-doubt stepped in. I didn’t think anyone would hire a 24-year-old fresh out of grad school. So instead of going after what I *really* wanted, I applied for jobs with the federal government.
That’s where I landed in a job I was good at, but too scared to grow beyond.
I did great work. I was responsible and capable, but I was also *very* shy. I didn’t talk to many of my coworkers. I criticized myself constantly. I talked myself out of applying for promotions, leadership programs, and development opportunities.
I really wanted those promotions and professional development opportunities, but I didn’t want to face the potential shame and disappointment of not being selected… so I avoided the risk altogether.
Every time I avoided the risk, I reinforced the belief that staying comfortable was safer than growing.
The Real Problem: I Didn’t Trust Myself Enough to Be Seen
At one point, I realized that I had a BIG problem. It wasn’t a lack of talent.
My big problem was that I didn’t have the self-confidence to be visible, take risks, and allow myself to take imperfect action.
That showed up in a lot of smaller, painful ways.
I would spend way too much time researching things for work instead of trusting my gut and moving forward.
I would quadruple-check my work before sending it out because it didn’t feel safe to let it go unless I had done everything possible to prevent a mistake.
And then, of course, because I’m human, I would still make mistakes here and there. When that happened, I criticized myself *endlessly.*
I also found myself seeking external validation and reassurance from coworkers because I didn’t have enough internal trust. That felt embarrassing and uncomfortable. I knew I was capable, but I kept acting like I needed other people to confirm it for me before I could believe it.
Perfectionism was hurting my productivity. Self-doubt was keeping me quiet. Fear of other people’s opinions was shaping my career choices. And my comfort zone was getting smaller and smaller.
The hardest part was that *I knew I had more to offer.*
I knew I had skills and potential that could help and mentor other people in my workplace. I could see that I was wasting my own talent by staying hidden.
However, knowing that didn’t automatically make me confident enough to change it.
The Moment I Knew Something Had to Change
Throughout my career, people encouraged me to apply for promotions and leadership programs.
And almost every time, I talked myself out of it.
I had all kinds of reasons:
- I wasn’t ready
- It wasn’t the right time
- Other people were probably more qualified
- I should wait until I felt more prepared
- I didn’t want to apply and not get selected
Underneath all of those reasons, though, was the truth:
I was scared to put myself out there.
Then one day, a perfect-fit promotion came up.
I could see *exactly* how I would contribute. I knew I had what it would take to succeed. My boss and peers encouraged me to apply.
And I still. couldn’t. do it.
I chickened out.
That was the moment I fully acknowledged that I had a self-confidence problem… not a problem with my skills, credentials, or experience.
A self-confidence problem.
I also realized it was my responsibility to address it.
I had already tried *so many* other things, though: Online confidence courses that I never finished, books that felt good in the moment but never created transformation, podcasts with lots of information but too little practical advice to be helpful, and videos about how to build confidence that were too gimmicky or abstract. Unsurprisingly, none of it had really stuck.
Because of that, part of me believed confidence just wasn’t for me. Maybe I was simply a shy, self-doubting person. Maybe this was just who I was and who I would always be.
But I was also tired.
I was tired of the self-criticism, the self-doubt, tired of watching opportunities I wanted pass me by.
So I decided I needed to do something different.
I enrolled in an online coaching program to build my self-confidence.
That decision changed the entire direction of my life and career.
Step 1: I Changed My Self-Perception
The first major shift was changing my self-perception, which is now the first step in my proprietary 3P Self-Confidence Method.
I had to honestly examine (and work to change) the beliefs I held about myself and what was possible for me.
For years, I had seen myself as someone who was:
- Capable, but not bold
- Smart, but not brave
- Reliable, but not leadership material
- Good at supporting other people, but not someone who could confidently take up space herself
Those beliefs shaped how I acted.
If I believed I wasn’t ready, I didn’t apply.
If I believed mistakes were dangerous, I overworked.
If I believed other people’s approval determined my worth, I people-pleased.
I knew – I knew – those kinds of beliefs were holding me back. So I began changing the way I saw, thought about, and felt about myself.
I also started paying attention to how I talked to myself and about myself.
Instead of using criticism as my main source of motivation, I began building a relationship with myself that was more loving, supportive, and encouraging.
That didn’t mean pretending everything was perfect. Instead, I learned how to tell myself the truth without tearing myself down.
It meant replacing, “Why did you do that?” with, “What can you learn from this?”
Or shifting away from, “You’re not ready” to, “You can prepare and take the next step.”
Or changing my internal narrative from, “You’ll embarrass yourself” to, “You can handle being new at something.”
Getting rid of the bully inside my own head gave me the courage to start showing up differently.
Step 2: I Built Belief in My Potential
The second shift was building belief in my potential.
This is the second step in my 3P Self-Confidence Method, and it’s one of the biggest reasons I define self-confidence as believing you can navigate whatever comes up in your life or career.
Before this shift, my brain was very good at creating scary what-if scenarios:
- What if I apply and don’t get it?
- What if I make a mistake?
- What if people think I’m not good enough?
- What if I try something new and fail?
For a long time, those questions kept fear in the driver’s seat, both at work and in my personal life.
As I built belief in my ability to navigate whatever happened, though, those fears became less powerful.
I wasn’t trying to convince myself that nothing uncomfortable would ever happen. That would have been totally unrealistic.
Instead, my goal was to trust myself enough that if something uncomfortable did happen, I could handle it.
If I made a mistake, I could take responsibility and learn from it.
If I applied for a promotion and didn’t get it, I could feel disappointed and still keep moving.
If someone judged me, I could allow them to have their opinion without making it mean I had done something wrong.
That belief helped me become more visible at work and in my personal life, trust myself more, and get more done in less time.
I no longer had to spend hours researching every possible angle before taking action. I didn’t have to treat every mistake like proof that I wasn’t good enough.
I developed the ability to be thoughtful without being frozen.
I learned how to prepare without overworking.
I could take action even when I was afraid, because fear was along for the ride… not in the driver’s seat.
Step 3: I Changed My Perspective on Other People’s Opinions
The third shift was changing my perspective on what other people thought. It’s also now the third step in my 3P Self-Confidence Method.
To be honest, I had made a lot of decisions in my life and career based on other people’s opinions, or what I imagined their opinions might be.
I worried about:
- How people would react
- Disappointing them
- Being misunderstood
- Doing something that might make someone else uncomfortable or view me in a negative light
Here’s what I discovered about that way of living: It was a recipe for resentment, stuckness, and a life that didn’t really feel like mine.
So I practiced taking a healthier perspective on other people’s thoughts and opinions.
Rather than treating other people’s opinions as definitions of me or instructions for what I should do, I started seeing them as data… information, not commands.
Someone else could…
- Have an opinion, and I could consider it without obeying it or agreeing with it
- Disagree with my choice, and I could still make the choice that aligned with my values
- Feel uncomfortable, and that didn’t automatically mean I had done something wrong
That change helped me *stop making decisions based on people-pleasing and fear.*
I started making decisions based on my own values, priorities, and desires.
That’s a huge part of how I eventually got certified as a coach and founded my own coaching practice.
I stopped trying to be a slightly different version of myself for every person in my workplace or life. I stopped tempering my words and choices just to avoid possibly offending or disappointing someone.
I allowed myself to be the best version of me… not the most agreeable version, or the most polished version, or the version least likely to get judged.
Just… me.
Step 4: I Learned How to Regulate My Nervous System
One of the most important pieces of this work was learning how to regulate my nervous system.
This helped me finally understand why all the other things I had tried before didn’t stick.
Books, videos, podcasts, and online courses helped me *understand self-confidence intellectually.* When it came time to actually apply what I had learned, though, my brain and body often *felt too unsafe* to follow through.
They were trying to protect me.
The problem was that my brain and body were trying to protect me in situations where I didn’t really need protection.
Applying for a promotion wasn’t actually dangerous.
Neither was speaking up in a meeting, or letting a work product go without checking it for the tenth time.
However, my nervous system didn’t always know that.
Once I learned how to regulate it in ways that worked for me, even when I didn’t have much time or space, I started making progress in weeks instead of months.
Nervous system regulation became the supportive practice that strengthened the other parts of my confidence work.
It helped me calm my brain and body enough to take action.
That, combined with the mindset work I’d been doing, changed everything.
After: I Stopped Living Under the Weight of Self-Doubt
Because of this work, I was able to stop criticizing myself and start encouraging myself.
That gave me the courage to speak up in meetings, share my ideas, set boundaries around my time and energy, and get more work done without being so hard on myself.
I also stopped fearing every possible adverse outcome.
Instead of spiraling about what might happen, I learned how to respond in a thoughtful, logical way that supported my growth.
I stopped being so afraid of “what if” because I knew that whatever happened, I could handle it.
That helped me work faster, trust myself more, and get more done in less time.
And while I originally thought this newfound self-confidence would help me pursue another promotion, it ultimately led me somewhere even bigger.
It led me to become a coach, shift my career in an entirely different direction, and start my coaching practice back in 2021.
I now help other smart, capable women build the self-confidence they need to raise their hand to lead, get the promotion, step back from burnout, grow, protect their time and energy, and stop letting perfectionism and people-pleasing run their lives.
I also stopped making decisions based on what other people thought I should do or how I feared they might react.
That allowed me to make choices based on my own values and goals, like getting certified as a coach and creating my signature 1:1 coaching program, The Self-Confidence Edit.
Today, *I no longer feel stuck.*
My brain doesn’t get to talk me out of my dreams and goals the way it used to. And when it tries, I have the knowledge and skills to respond, support myself, and move forward.
I no longer live under the constant stress of perfectionism, the pain of immobilizing self-doubt, or the fear of what other people think of me.
I have the courage to try new things.
I don’t take myself so seriously.
I can see my mistakes and missteps with a healthier, more productive, and sometimes even humorous perspective.
I’m not afraid to put myself out there and be more visible.
And one of the most meaningful changes is this:
I no longer look at confident women and wish I could be like them.
Now, I’m one of them.
What This Made Possible
This shift feels like a *huge, self-imposed weight* has been lifted off of me.
I have the freedom to actually pursue my goals and dreams instead of talking myself out of them.
I have the self-confidence to raise my hand to lead.
I trust myself to plan well and figure things out as I go.
And it feels amazing to have normal standards for myself instead of the impossibly high standards I used to demand from myself.
That doesn’t mean I never experience fear, self-doubt, or uncertainty anymore.
It means those feelings no longer get to be in charge.
I know how to support myself through those feelings, take action even when they’re present, and coach myself through instead of abandoning myself for perfection, approval, or safety.
That is what self-confidence has given me.
And that is what I now help my clients build inside The Self-Confidence Edit.
Ready to Build This Kind of Self-Confidence for Yourself?
If you’re a smart, capable professional woman who looks confident on the outside but secretly struggles with self-doubt, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or fear of being seen, I want you to know this:
You aren’t broken. You aren’t behind.
Self-confidence is not reserved for other women. It’s available to you, too.
It’s something you can build with the right support, the right tools, and a process that helps you change not just what you think, but how safe it feels to act differently.
Inside The Self-Confidence Edit, my highly personalized 1:1 coaching program, I help women develop the self-confidence to lead the project, apply for the promotion, protect their time and energy, speak up more clearly, and stop shrinking themselves to keep everyone else comfortable.
We’ll work together using my 3P Self-Confidence Method, along with nervous system regulation practices that help you actually apply the work in your real life and career to create lasting, foundational change.
You don’t need another book sitting on your shelf, or another saved podcast episode, or another free tip that sounds great but doesn’t create the transformation you’re after.
You need support that helps you become the kind of woman who trusts herself, advocates for herself, takes imperfect action, and actively moves toward the life and career she actually wants.
If you’re ready to stop watching opportunities pass you by and start building the confidence to go after what you want, I’d love to talk with you.
Schedule a free coaching consultation to discuss becoming a 1:1 client in The Self-Confidence Edit. Visit https://www.amyschield.com/book to get on my calendar.
